Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Fear

Litany against fear
(from Dune by Frank Herbert)

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.


Monday, May 31, 2010

Bad To Good

Have you ever had something happen when you sit back with a smile, wondering how something that was frustrating and seemed so wrong opened the way for something good to happen? This happened to me in back-to-back weekends now.

Last weekend, my husband and I had changed our original plans for his birthday to provide me recovery time for my surgery. Then my surgery was canceled at the last minute. But on the very day scheduled for surgery, one of my brother's went to the hospital. My husband and I were free to drive to his State and be with him and help him through the weekend.

This weekend, with the recent stresses and strains, I sought some time -- Alone. I went back to a place I always consider a home - Northeastern PA. I got out early and with delight, I wanted to surprise a friend, but I never had the chance to see him in the end. Instead, I happened upon four wayfarers far from their home, with a broken down car feeling quite alone. If I had my husband on this trip with me, I would not have been able to help them you see.

There are times when it seems life hands me lemons and asks me to make lemonade. There are also times when I sit back and realize, some of the events helped build the lemonade stand....

There is always a bigger picture
Even when we cannot see it.

- ESA

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Brown-nosing in School

While at my little brother's place this morning, I saw one of his child's 4th-grade essays. It shows that kids learn early that it pays to brown-nose. Teacher's comments are in red below; typed exactly as the child typed it:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NO ROBOT TEACHERS - by Danny _____

We cant [can't] have Robot teachers. What if there's a mountfunktion [malfunction] and the robot gos [goes] crazy! Haveing [Having] real people teach you that [crossed out "that"] provids more jobs for people. [Add that elaborating sentence --> Which we all know is important!] If you are in the hospital a real teacher would call you a robot wouldnt [wouldn't] know your gon [gone]. Also you need $ to pay for parts for the robot you dont have to buld a teacher. This is why we cant have robot teachers. Imagin beaing traped in a class with a robot talking like this, ETFBUGFYAFNGDXFFYGDYUGFWAFRGTFSF, to you. Robot teachers wouln't give you party's. I SAY ROBOT TEACHERS ARE A PUNESHMENT! I would have a liveing thing for a teacher rather than a cold hunk of metal! [great language] Electronical teachers cost mony for the electric bill. This is why we cant have robot teachers. [You have great craft (3) Danny! Organization is also important though. Keep related arguments together and make new paragraphs for each different one.]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I confess I cringed as I typed that because all the spelling mistakes were glaringly obvious and shockingly uncorrected. Then I realized when the teacher stopped correcting the errors: where it became clear the essay promoted human vs. electronic teachers.

Let's face it; the child was stroking the teacher's ego, and the teacher was lapping it up. Only one error was corrected beyond that point, otherwise the teacher was all praises. What does this tell the child? Brown-nosing is REWARDED! You can get away with shoddy work if you are good at brown-nosing your superior!

While I am a strong supporter of keeping jobs for people, and use real cashiers at supermarkets instead of the electronic ones, I find it ironic that an electronic teacher would NOT have an ego to stroke and wouldn't award that paper such a high grade but correct all errors instead.

I also believe we should have human teachers, but I wish they would show some moral backbone and teach the child the correct spelling/grammar instead of rewarding brown-nosing. I'm one of those "hard-ass" HR people that would like to see good spelling in cover letters, resumes and business correspondence instead of seeing employees and candidates try to smooth-talk their way into a job or out of poor work ethic.

-ESA

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Saying Farewell

A few weeks ago, my husband and I held a very private ceremony to say farewell ~ farewell to the child we lost in miscarriage and farewell to the opportunity to have biological children of our own.



The ceremony took place in Caumsett State Park on Long Island (NY). Just off the main road there is a 70-foot tree dominating a field, which I've heard called "God's tree."


At the base of the 4-trunk tree, a visitor is essentially enclosed by the tree's branches in a natural cathedral. It is there we made our peace.





With only my husband, myself and one witness, we opened the simple ceremony with a prayer to God and Jesus.

Next, my husband and I uttered, "Little one we name thee ____________" thrice. While we said this, my husband poured some water from a glass vial into the wooden bowl in my hands.


Then we both held the bowl of water together and said three times, "Little one, know that you are loved and you will be missed."

Following, we jointly poured the water from the bowl to the base of the tree, passing on some hope of life and growth back into the world as we said thrice, "Little one, you are free to return to our Creator."


We closed with another prayer and some personal words of our own in the dappled sunlight under that tree.




While we didn't realize this until a few days later, the Saturday where we could all arrange to be there happened to be May 1st - otherwise known as May Day or Beltane.


That is the traditional day of letting go and moving on, starting new plantings and celebrating life to come. What was mere coincidence was an unexpected blessing as it seemed to fit in so well with our simple farewell.


~ ~ ~


Both before and after the ceremony we walked with
friends of ours, including a four-year-old who is full of the joy of life.


On our way to the site, we crossed a field with a small rise. To the boy, he had just climbed a mountain!

I also chased him around with "tickle bees."

On the way back, I demonstrated the joy of blowing dandelion seeds so they dance like white poofs in the gentle breeze that was blowing.

So bracketing our sad ceremony was another celebration - one of life, learning and sharing. While the child was not ours, he is a part of our life.

And it is a joy to share things with all those we have in our life - young, our age or those with wisdom beyond our years.



Life does not start and end when other parts are gone.

That which is gone is a stepping stone.

We learn and move on.


- ESA

Punched in the Gut

My blog is going to take a bit of detour. I still have stuff in my head and heart I want to share, but right now life keeps throwing me for a few loops. I hope my readers don't mind. What I share may be far more personal than people are comfortable about reading. But I'm inspired by others, like Hetty (@AliveInMe), who have gone through far worse situations and shared their stories. If people pay counselors hundreds of dollars to listen, maybe there is something about having an opportunity to just say what's going on in life and how we feel about it.

For those that follow me on Twitter, I know I appear happy, upbeat and positive most of the time. But I get knocked down too. Today I think I reached a point where I needed to step back - including leaving the office - just to deal with what got handed me.

As my readers don't know much of this story, I will give you some background. My husband and I have tried unsuccessfully for years to have children. In 2006, I had a seriously bad miscarriage. I bled heavily from the start, hemorrhaged badly three times - blood literally pouring out of me, several trips to the hospital and mandatory bed rest. We lost that child - for all I know children... there were "fetal tissues" lost during the first major hemorrhage, but they still had a heartbeat. I lost 30 pounds over that pregnancy, when one usually gains weight. During the D&C I hemorrhaged again so badly the doctor had to call in another doctor and performed the procedure blindly via ultrasound.

A few months later, my father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at the young age of 64. His mother is still alive today and our family is known for longevity, so none of us were prepared for this. My mother has relied on our help since then, especially as my siblings have kids to care for and we didn't.

My husband and I were looking at adoption even before that pregnancy, and were working with DCF. We reached the point when we could go no further with them until we showed them the bedrooms we would have for the child. That required a larger home than our small apartment. We were shopping for a house and put several offers on a home we loved two months after my father died - less than a year after the miscarriage. None were accepted and soon thereafter our Realtor quit the profession.

Our house hunt faltered as helping my mother and brother, who was both ill and going through a divorce, took priorities.

All through this, every month I had my "visitor", I would flash back to those horrific moments I had blood pouring out of me and feared I was pregnant and miscarrying again. Several of these were late - and as we were trying, they may have been early term misscarriages. There were also months where I missed altogether and had my doctor confirm I was starting early menopause - younger than 40 years of age.

It didn't help matters that over the last few years I've been getting 6-month mammographies and "paps" for abnormalities and potential breast and cervical cancers. But at least I was monitoring those ready to spring into action to resolve it if something should arise.

Last summer the sole income for the company that employs me filed for bankruptcy. While I wasn't let go with all the other employees, my job barely hung on by a thread. As my husband has been out of work since 2001, I am the only income and we faced loosing it.

Months stretched on and tensions mounted. We never had time to come to emotional terms with our losses as we were busy.

Then a few months ago, I snapped! Our home was in complete disorder and disrepair, cluttered to the point we couldn't move freely. My husband and I shared less and less; we were moving apart. While we started to clear out the clutter, I uncovered the books and paperwork associated with my pregnancy and I just suddenly burst out in sobs of loss.

As grief counseling was the rational approach, I contacted my OB-Gyn for references. On one of my 6-month visits we discussed pregnancy and the doctor revealed that "it is medically determined that is dangerous for you to become pregnant." This in no way helped alleviate my fears each month.

So after careful consideration and reviewing all the options, my husband and I decided that I should go for a tubal ligation ("getting my tubes tied") as a means of ensuring I couldn't get pregnant. The surgery was scheduled for tomorrow.

I was prepared mentally, emotionally, and physically. A few weeks ago, my husband and I even had a ceremony saying farewell both to the one pregnancy we did know, and those we will never know. I may share this ceremony with my readers on a different post later.

Then I went for my pre-op appointment yesterday. Everything I could do I did, ready to face infertility, surgery and move forward ready to restart the adoption process without the "you're the alternative" mentality that could result from an unresolved miscarriage. That challenge was ready to be faced and the book ready to close.

Then we spoke with the doctor....

There are a few issues that came up. When my cervix is dilated - I hemorrhage. There is some "unknown structure" inside my uterus; any contact with which can lead to devastating results. There's no way to try to know what this "fibrous" thing except a biopsy. If they cannot open my cervix for the biopsy, that means surgery. This, as the doctor told me this morning, may mean a full hysterectomy decided by the doctor when I'm in that surgery.

So now, tomorrow's surgery is canceled and we face a few more hurdles and decisions to make. In the interim, abstinence has become a frustrating friend of mine as I fear getting pregnant. I joked with my husband about joining a convent - lol.

It's a mental struggle and an emotional and financial roller-coaster, but a process of life all the same.

I know so many others who have it far worse that we do. But I do ask that if I fail to write in my blog or go silent on Twitter for a spell, not getting back to people as I should, please understand. Some days I need to go and hide to help me deal with what is on my own plate.

Some days life just punches you in the stomach.

- ESA

Saturday, May 8, 2010

First Bike Ride (True Story)

When I was a small girl, my dad taught me how to ride my first "two-wheel" bike. Like many my age, I had "training wheels" at first to allow my limbs to grow used to the differences between a tricycle and bicycle.

Then there was the fateful day when my dad, observing me, determined it was time for the training wheels to come off. I was so very afraid that I would fall. To ease that fear, he offered to jog along beside the bicycle holding onto the back of the seat. If my balance wasn't too steady, his hand would be there to keep me from falling.

Encouraged, I let him take the training wheels off and -- still trepidatious -- got on the bike. I started pedaling on the concrete-block sidewalk in front of our house, heading down the block. The ground was level and it took some effort on my part to keep those wheels moving and the bike upright.

At the first tree, halfway across our small front yard, I looked behind. My dad was still there, hand still on the back of the seat. I got a little more courage and looked ahead again.

At the border with the neighbors yard, I peeked again. And again, he was still there, hand still on the bike. It was then I put all my trust in his guidance and focused entirely on pedaling the bike and keeping it upright.

When I reached the tree that marked the center of my neighbor's yard, I peeked again. My dad was still jogging along beside my bike, but his hand was NOT on the seat. So what happened? I became afraid. I became terrified that without his support - or my training wheels - I would fall. And what happened?

I fell of course.

With scraped knee and elbow, I cried tears of distress and betrayal. Oh, how upset I was that my dad let go when he promised he was going to hold on. He lovingly soothed my tears and explained that he only let go when he saw that I was able to ride on my own. He had faith in me.

He would not take the bike back to our house. He refused to put the training wheels back on. He would not let me walk home without the bike. The only choice I had was to get back on the bike and try again.

My dad promised he would run beside me and hold on to the seat until I had my balance back.

The scene repeated. At first, he held on, then he let go as I gained my balance was was able to ride on my own. It felt good knowing he was right there beside me. Confidence grew and I started to pedal harder, the bike started moving forward faster with renewed energy.

The third house and tree passed, then the fourth. By the time I reached the fifth tree, I started to laugh. I was RIDING A TWO-WHEEL BIKE WITHOUT TRAINING WHEELS LIKE THE BIG KIDS!!!

In the shade of the sixth tree, I glanced over my shoulder; my dad was still there. So I looked ahead and enjoyed the ride. When I reached the seventh tree, I heard a shout from my father. He had stopped at the sixth tree. I had ridden all that distance all by myself! Again, fear seized me for the moment. I was ALL ALONE!

And I fell to the sidewalk again.

And I cried - again.

Knowing I was not seriously hurt, my dad causally reached out with his arm and leaned against the sixth tree, unmoving. "Look at how far you went!" he called. "Look at what you did on your own! You can do it. You DID do it. Look at the distance."

"Now, get back on that bike and try again"

+ + +

The reason I share this memory with my readers this morning is that I came to realize something. To me, God is like my dad in this small way.

God watches over us and knows when we are ready to try something new and grow as we should. We will have help and guidance as we take those few first steps into the new experience. And there are times when we are allowed to try our wings, for that experience will help us to grow. There will be times when we are afraid, and in our fear - we fall. But God, like my dad, also encourages us to get back up and try again, because He has faith in us too.

- ESA

Monday, May 3, 2010

Goodness & Evil (Story)

Someone shared this story with me this morning. I've heard it before, but it's moral never dims with each retelling. Below is one of the versions of the story.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A young angel was having a conversation with God one day and asked, "Will you please show me the difference between goodness and evil?"

God led the angel over to two doors and bid the angel to look behind both.

The angel opened the first door. Inside was a small room with a large round table in the middle. Atop the table sat a steaming large pot of stew
, the contents of which made the angel's mouth water in anticipation.

Cramped and crowded around the table were many thin and sickly people whose hands were fastened to the far ends of long-handled spoons. They fought each other over the contents of the pot as they struggled to scoop up the stew with those spoons and eat it. But alas, the handles were too long and they could not eat a morsel of the stew. It fell to the floor wasted and was ground underfoot as the fights continued over what was left in the pot.

The angel was greatly saddened upon seeing this and acknowledged, "This must be evil."
God nodded and gestured to the other door.

Upon opening this door, the angel saw once again a small room, a large round table and a pot of mouthwatering stew. Likewise there were many people within whose hands were fastened to the far ends of long-handled spoons.

But they were plump, happy, singing songs, telling stories and sharing in the laughter. Inside this small crowded room the air was filled with joy, companionship and love.

The angel stood puzzling for a few moments trying to understand what difference lead to such a change in the people and environment. It was still a small, crowded room. They still had long-handled spoons fastened to their hands and could not feed themselves.

The angel turned to God and asked, "What is the difference?" God smiled and pointed back into the room. Then the angel saw it. A little boy scooped some stew up with his spoon and fed it to an elderly woman sitting across the way from him. These people were feeding each other!

They each had a goal: not to feed themselves, but to help the others around them. In this way, they all received more than enough. Tears streamed down the angel's cheeks as the answer to the question was whispered, "This is Goodness."

- ESA

Friday, April 30, 2010

Blind Trust

This was shared with me after I posted yesterday's piece:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man and Jesus were on a journey. When they came to a new path, the man could not see what lay beyond their toes and he turned to Jesus and asked, "Lord, light the way before me so I know where to go."

To which Jesus replied, "It is better that you should take my hand and trust me to guide you."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- ESA

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Trust in the Storm

When the winds of change buffet us and the storms of life overwhelm us, it is hard to trust. For when we trust, we must let go of what control we believe we have, of our reasoning, and at times of our very selves. When we are tossed about, letting go of the little security we have to cast ourselves into the screaming winds of the storm is frightening and even seems insane.

But there are times when we must do that and place our complete trust in God.

We may struggle for a time until we are ready to let go. Our head may even drop beneath the waves as the storms in our life take their toll. But His hand is ever outstretched, especially when we cannot see in the darkness and turmoil.

He will not fight our efforts, for our free will is something He respects. But He remains near us, ready to catch us and lift us to our feet when we acknowledge we need Him and finally place our trust in Him.

It's only when we stop insisting on doing things OUR way that we open our eyes and find that He's been holding onto our hand firmly and surely all the while.

- ESA

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Shell (Poem)

I wrote this poem about two years ago, after I tried to describe to someone what it was like being an outcast while I was growing up, and how it affects your ability to trust another. Something I read on another's blog brought this to mind and I wanted to share it with my readers.

Perhaps this may also help some understand why people that are hurting WILL hurt others...

The Shell

When the waters grow deeper

The world darkens before your eye
You reach and you search
Find nothing no matter how you try
+++
God's Light diminishes
As you hide behind that wall
Protect yourself from the darkness
With a wall strong and tall
+++
A knock at the door
A lance of pain sears
You lash out at the invader
As you fight off your tears
+++
The blow you make hits
But no matter how you try
The invader persists
Trying to make you cry
+++
A crack at the wall
Light floods inside
Fearing the unknown
Into the shadows you hide
+++
A hand reaches in
You lash out again
The hand is still there
Bloody and grim
+++
A gentle voice coaxes
Get out of that shell
Place your trust in Me
I will make you well
+++
Bewildered and frightened
You shrink back some more
Afraid heart and soul
Of the voice at the door
+++
The hand is still there
No harsh words are said
No scolding, no reprimand
No curse from the dead
+++
You place your hand
In the hand of the other
As you leave that shell
You may find a Brother

-ESA

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Floral Blizzard

On the walk home from work today, I saw a bit a blue sky and sunshine between the stormfronts. My husband and I decided to take a drive down to this park we know.

There, we walked around the grounds as the sun slowly sank into the cloud-draped western horizon. Our spring jackets were zipped to our chins and our fingertips grew cold in the chilling air.
But we didn't seem to notice that.

The flowers had pushed up from the ground in the thousands and the trees were in bloom, especially the pink ones down by the main pond/lake. Whenever the wind blew it produced a snowstorm of pink petals that my husband and I strolled through. Eddies of wind currents swept the petals that were already on the ground, making them stir and sway like pink rivers along the winding roadways.


We strolled along each small streams and hopped from rock-to-rock across one of the icy waterways. And, as if that wasn't childish enough, on our way back to the car, we scooped up handfulls of pink petals and dumped them on each other and tossed them high into the air to stir up our own floral blizzards lit by the setting sun, dancing on the wind currents to the music of our laughter.


Spring time

Heart of a child

Simple Joys in life


- ESA

Sunday, April 25, 2010

By Your Side (Video)

Today's rain brought one of my videos to mind. Since I closed my YouTube account, I thought to share it here. Enjoy.

Song: By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Images found on Photobucket
All rights are retained by the original artists.




Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough

To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

- ESA

Saturday, April 24, 2010

In the NOW

There exists a sweet moment when my mind and my being are completely in the NOW - in the moment, connected with all that is around me and aware of what flows through me.

It's a moment when my heart is open to Love and open to loving all that is around me.

My head isn't thinking about what will be, isn't making plans, isn't looking back on the past but is only observing and taking in what is here in the NOW.

My awareness extends beyond myself to touch all that is there - the tree, the grass, the bee dancing among the blueberry flowers, the people waking up in the apartments, the ones driving by in their cars, the child struggling on the grass as she learns to ride her two-wheel bike... and the overwhelming feeling/understanding that God is there touching/within/with/through all of these and more. It's a connectedness beyond words.

Sadly, I can only catch rare glimpses of these moments and my mind is distracted and pulls me away - to a thought, to a memory, to a worry, to respond to the greetings of a neighbor walking by. But at the same time, I know God is still there, even when I am unaware.

Such sweet moments,
More precious than pearls.
And they happen anywhere in the world.

- ESA

Friday, April 23, 2010

Why Not Now? (Poem)

It is with some reluctance
I admit this here and now
I've been negligent in my faith
I will let you know how

There was a time
when I'd go for a walk
one-on-One time with God
and I'd try not to talk

The key to this time
was to listen instead
I'd open my heart
and empty my head

But as months went past
these times became few
as I filled all my days
with much nonsense to do

I'd say my prayers
at day's start and end
but didn't have time
to listen and mend

Excuses come up
games and `net too
chatting and playing
instead I would do

I need to take on
my responsibility
I need to make time
for just God and me

I don't need to go far
whether outside or in
it's in still listening
where this will begin

I listen to God's Voice
as it sails past my ear
I'm reprimanded and reminded
God's ALWAYS near

Give some of my time
to strengthen my heart
Give some of my time
to understand from the start

Give some of my time
a waste it won't be
Give some of my time
to step towards Eternity

Take some time to open my heart
and pause to clear my head
Step away from the cares of this world
and spend time with God instead


-ESA

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Enemy Action

I believe there are fallen angels that delight in misleading human souls away from God's Grace. But I also believe there is much laid at the adversary's feet that ... well, let's just say it's undeserved credit.

I remember a silly custom my grandmother tried - and failed - to pass on to my generation. If you spilled the salt or knocked over the salt shaker, you had to scoop salt up with your right hand and throw it over your left shoulder. Why? Because the devil, sitting on your left shoulder, made you spill the salt, so you hit him in the eye with it.

While that is just a silly little superstition, there are many things people will blame on the adversary. While interference does happen, it is not anywhere near the regularity some accuse. "The devil made me do it" has become a common phrase today, included with some humor. But many still wholeheartedly believe that every little wrong they do is because of the adversary.

Please, people take some credit for your own actions and inactions! Blaming the adversary on our own shortcomings leaves us wide open to two grave issues.

First, we do not take responsibility for our own actions and continue to do as we have done, never learning nor correcting the error of our ways. Saying "the devil made me do it" enables people to alleviate themselves of both the blame and the responsibility.

Second, we give the adversary more power over our lives. When we believe that we can be swayed to the adversary's will, that belief opens a door we do not want opened. We become more readily swayed and, coupled with not accepting the responsibility, open ourselves to further mischief and malevolent behaviors.

When I fail, I can be tempted to say, "Ah, the devil's messing with my life." But after some thought, I take greater delight shouting out, "Heck, I'm not going to give that bitch the credit. I'm going to fix it and move on!" :D

Take responsibility
For our thoughts
For our actions

- ESA

Understanding the Difference

I want to share something I've learned with my readers, an understanding I came to realize. There are times, when I fail to reach a goal, falter in my steps or otherwise not perform as I should. Once I realize my error, one of two things can happen:

+ + +

I am repulsed by the act or failure to act on my part. I sincerely regret what I have done, see where I have gone wrong, and try to learn HOW to do it correctly. Then I am motivated to be stronger and do it right the next time. This way, I am enabled to learn from the mistake and grow.

Then there is a much darker path my head and heart can go....

I look at my failures and truly hate myself, my life, my being, my spirit, and my soul. I am filled with self-loathing, self-revulsion, and self-hatred; I am repulsed by what I see and can actually embrace the ideas that I am not worthy of another chance and that even God could not love me. I stick my head in the proverbial sand and hide - from myself, from what I have done, from God.

This is what will poison us from within. This kind of self-revulsion - not for the wrong we have done but to hate our very selves to the point where we cut God from our lives. We do not give ourselves the chance to seek forgiveness. We do not yearn for the opportunity to try again, to do better. We are just stuck in a rut, hating ourselves.

This hate can lead to other forms of self-infliction ~ cutting, self-mutilation, alcohol and drug abuse, as they are seen as an escape from this pain. Even worse, when we cannot love ourselves, we choke off our ability to love one another; those around us suffer too.

+ + +

My understanding came when I had the rare opportunity to feel both of these side-by-side. First I felt the darker emotions, and started to hide from God. Then I somehow realized what I was doing and felt penitent for letting myself get caught by such dark emotions and turning away from God, and I deeply desired to correct that.

Side-by-side, it become so clear. One helps you to be sincerely sorry, learn from it, and lifts you up to try again. The other tries to mire you down with self-loathing and helps you to hide from God's Loving heart.

Now I know the difference and strive to not only learn, but pass on what I know.
- ESA

Shredding the Bride's Gown

Today I read yet another statement from a religious group who claimed to know how to identify a false religion. Then they proceeded to list all that differed from their particular flavor. That alone stirred something very deep within me that wants to weep and rave and shout all at once!

The enemy doesn't have to fight against those who stand for God. We fight each other and the enemy just stands on the sidelines LAUGHING at us!!! Why can no one see this????

Why do so many continue to stand up and claim that their belief is the one true belief and all that follows another are doomed? Can they not see that by claiming this they expose one of the REAL ways they fail?

Those that are true to the calling:
  • Teach that we should reach out to one another in Love - ALL people, including those who do not believe as we believe and even those who hate and persecute us.
  • Do not ostracize, do not play favorites, do not hold themselves or their religion above others.
  • Encourage people to reach out and help one another, to work collectively toward a greater good, to be the example.
  • Do not do any work, good deed or act for their own benefit or the benefit of their group, but understands that ideally one performs this unseen or as unknown as possible and lets the good of that stand on its own with no name attached.
  • Does not threaten, bully, scare, or use terror tactics, but reaches out with an open hand and an open heart, unafraid to listen to another to see how many more similarities there exists than differences ~ to connect the bridges, not build the walls.
  • Does not count how many people they convert or teaches its followers to associate ONLY with those that believe as they do; that "groupthink" is how many are lead astray collectively.
Please, stop the fighting, both inter-denominational and inter-religious. A force divided can not stand as strong. Humanity was granted a very special gift that together we can do far more than the sum of our individual efforts.

Can you not see, what our fighting is doing? We are failing to realize that gift - that potential! And in the meantime we, ourselves, are bringing about our own defeat.

Please stop
Open our eyes
Open our ears

-ESA

Thursday, April 15, 2010

God is Not Vanilla!

Recently I've corresponded with a fellow Christian from a different denomination. Curious about the specific beliefs, customs, practices and interpretations, I asked some questions. Before long, I was deluged with everything from sermons, to lessons, to videos and songs, to news and even the recent announcement from the head of their denomination.

Perhaps the sender hoped I'd join the same flock. But much of what I received left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth. While I've seen this with other religious groups - Christian, non-Christian and even some atheists, this recent interchange brought it home once again...

There are people that believe that THEIR way is the one and ONLY way. That everything they say about God is 100% correct. And that those who do not agree with them are going to suffer - anything from ostracism and insults in this world to eternal damnation in the next. This is the BIGGEST turnoff for me and even disgusts me when I see it taken to extremes!

GOD IS NOT VANILLA!

The best description I know is "God is unknowable." Period!
Human beings are not able to fully understand all the myriad and mysterious aspects of God.

Those that limit God to their beliefs / understandings and cast judgment, cut off or ridicule others loose so much by their actions. They do such a grave disservice, both to God and to their own attempts of truly getting to know God.

I may not get them to see as I do. But I do try to keep my eyes, hand and heart open even if theirs are closed.

He drew a circle
That shut me out.
Heretic, rebel,
A thing to flout.
But Love and I
Had the wit to win;
We drew a circle
And took him in!

-Edwin Markham



- ESA

Twit-Gusted!

Those that follow my Twitter account closely may have noticed I dropped off twitter for a bit. Before I disappeared, I stopped thanking people publicly for re-postings/"retweets" (RTs), follow recommendations (FF), and mentions of my user-name in general.

While I still believe it's polite to thank someone when they recommend me, send greetings my way and sharing (RT) one of my posts that they liked, I came to realize that people like to see their user-name mentioned publicly on Twitter - including me. In order to perpetuate the mention of their user-name, some would re-post anything containing their user-name, including posts where I thanked a group of people.

This produced multiple copies of the same list, as one person would re-post it and others would re-post the re-postings, and so on. Soon my inbox was inundated with more nonsense re-posts than there were tribbles on the Enterprise!

All this is simply because people enjoy stroking their own and each other's egos. No useful information, inspiration, motivation, conversation or humor are in those posts, just repeated strings of usernames for the sake of seeing your name again and again.

It disgusted me when I realized what it was. Not only when I saw people do this earnestly every day, but also because I kept adding fuel to it when I continued to thank them publicly. I was also shamed because I also took delight in getting my ego stroked too as I jumped into the mutual masturbation circle.

I started to thank people privately through direct messages (DM's) on twitter and will probably continue to do so. But I had to take a step away from twitter - in disgust and shame.

How easy it was to start to love the feeling that welled within me when I saw my name mentioned, when I basked in the glow of recognition, and when I let that feeling steer me away from what I want to do with the tool twitter provides.

- ESA

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lament (Poem)

I heard the news today and with much fuss,
I curse the distance that stands between us.

Can it be true?
What they say about you?
From occasional drink to mind-numbing every night?
My dear friend, that is just not right.

Were I able, I'd be at your home this very night,
Throwing out the liquor and any alcohol in sight!
Think to get more; you wouldn't get far.
I have thrown myself atop someone's car.
But I'd rather damage a friend's car
Than bury that friend ~ by far!

My poor friend, I hope you come to know
I love you dearly and curse the miles so!!!
Acknowledge your struggle and pain I certainly do.
But I can not stay silent knowing what abuse can do.
You've started down that path; I've seen it before.
Job loss, totaled car, illness, death, so much more.
:(

Pain, disgust and despair;
These I know can lead you there.
Please don't let yourself this way be.
I thought you FOUGHT all things from the enemy.

Tell me to shut up, that I don't know anything.
That my words are nonsense; that I can be downright mean!
That I don't have the right to tell you how to live.
I'd rather you'd hate me, than face the alternative.

My dear friend, before I loose you,
Please, please open your eyes!
The unnumbered miles between us
Would not encompass my desperate cries!


-ESA

Sunrise Service (Poem)

Awake before the hours
of pre-dawn light
I don my work clothes
with much delight

Before the eastern horizon
is touched by the sun
Driven to a New England church
my in-laws and I have done

Before small children have started
their annual egg hunt
Cartons of eggs, ham and equipment
were hauled by this runt

Let's not forget one important part
We also helped start up the coffee pot

Eggs were scrambled
Ham was baked
Kitchen crew was busy
Make no mistake

From set-up to break-down
And all in between
We were an efficient crew
Left every thing clean

But when it came time
And there was no praise
Some felt we deserve...

The true message
of that day reminds us...
We all called to Serve


-ESA

Monday, April 5, 2010

Crying Wolf

Yesterday, I celebrated Easter with my family. While I was gathered with some on the east-coast (US) just north of New York City, another part had gathered on the west-coast in San Diego. Through Skype, we had a nice, long face-to-face, coast-to-coast chat individually and in groups.

Then it happened.

The 7.2 quake hit Baja California and rolled their section of San Diego while we watched.

It was a silent rolling, unlike the rumble-and-shake we east-coast folk see in the movies. Those on the west-coast struggled to convince us that there really WAS an earthquake going on.

Why?

My younger brother is a practical joker, and he's mastered how to do it with such a straight face he has pulled the wool over our eyes many times. When he reported, "We're having a quake right NOW!" none on the east-coast believed him.

All through the long interval where the earthquake continued to roll and sway their home, we kept arguing from the safe distance that he was "just trying to trick us again.

For those that do not know it, there is a story where a bored boy shepherd keeps running to the local town and cries out there is a wolf attacking the sheep. After one too many times of falling for his pranks, the town's folk no longer believe the lad. Then the wolf does come; he makes off with the sheep because the town's folk were convinced the true warning was another trick.

The very same thing happened to my brother yesterday.

It's not just a folk's tale.
There is a lesson there.
Never cry wolf!

- ESA

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Innocence of Eggs (Story)

The fat hen opened one eye and glared at her husband, “What’s a-a-all that ru-ru-ruckus?” she clucked.

The rooster pulled his head out from under his wing and stretched his neck toward the wall. “I’ll g-g-go see,” he replied and fluffed his feathers against the cool desert night.

With a few awkward flaps, he crested the stone and mortar wall and looked down into the courtyard. “I-i-i-it looks as i-i-if they’re br-br-bringing a cr-cr-criminal to the high pr-pr-priest,” he reported to his wife.

Before he could turn around to return to their warm nest, the hen was beside him, feathers equally fluffed against the coolness.

“Th-th-the eggs!” the rooster reprimanded.

The hen shrugged and stretched her neck as far as it could go toward the gathering crowd. “I wa-wa-want to see this,” she hissed in reply.

The majority of the crowd moved into the building, but a number of people remained outside in the courtyard, building a charcoal fire to keep warm. While the gathering outside remained peacefully quiet, there was a rising ruckus within the building.

The rooster fluttered to an open window to witness the scene inside. The sounds of buffets and cries of “Prophesy!” drifted through the window where the cockerel sat, the glint of battle and bloodlust sparkling in his eyes.

At that moment, a woman left the building on some errand. Spotting the small group gathered near the fire, she eyed one of them closely and remarked, “You also were with Yeshua (Jesus) of Nazareth.”

The man shook his head vehemently, shrugging his head deeper into his head-cloth. “I neither know nor understand what you are saying,” he replied.

Seeing a seed of potential for more conflict and violence, the rooster alighted onto the courtyard wall and crowed, “His words are tr-tr-tr-tr-TRUE!”

The hen was shocked. She knew as well as her husband that those words were a lie. Could his desire for a fight drive him to this?

She kept silent, for she didn’t want the fight brought to her nest. What would her friends and neighbors say? No, it’s best to stay silent and let the fight go on elsewhere. She turned her attention back to the group around the fire.

The woman had now turned to the others around the fire; gesturing to the man she had spoken to and said, “This is one of them.”

Again, the man denied it.

By now the rooster was hopping from foot to foot; a wicked gleam in his eyes as he watched the scene unfold below.

One of the others turned toward the man and added, “Surely you are one of them, for you are also a Galilean.”

The accused man began to curse and swear at the others gathered around the fire. “I do NOT know this man you are talking about!” he shouted at them.

With glee, the rooster tossed up his head and crowed again, “His words are tr-tr-tr-tr-TRUE!”

And the hen remained silent.

Upon hearing the rooster’s crow a second time, the man paused as if poleaxed and then broke down and wept, fleeing from the courtyard in tears.

The rooster and hen did not see what became of that man, nor of any of the others gathered around the fire, nor of those still inside the building. For at that moment, an angel of the Lord wrapped in the brilliance of Heaven appeared before them both.

Turning wrathful eyes to the rooster, the angel proclaimed, “Because you have crowed such blasphemy not once, but twice, you shall not live to see another sunrise.”

Then the angel’s glare fixed upon the hen. “Because you knew his words were false and you did NOTHING and said NOTHING, you shall also never see another morning.”

In her horror, the hen finally remembered her nest of eggs cooling in the night air. “I-i-i-if I go, wh-wh-who will ca-ca-care for our ch-ch-chicks? Wi-wi-without one of us he-he-here, how wi-wi-will they sur-sur-survive?”

The angel’s eyes moved to where the nest lay at the foot of the courtyard wall, and the wrath in those eyes became tempered with mercy. “Your chicks are innocent of these crimes. The children should not bear the burden of the sins of the parent. So I will take these with me and they will be kept safe.”

With these words, the angel gathered up the eggs, nest and all and vanished. Where they went, neither hen nor rooster knew, for they did not see the next sunrise.

But we know what became of those eggs.

For you see, on the very next Sunday morning, a very special Man walked out of a lonely tomb into the rosy light just before sunrise.

Nearby, a rabbit was nibbling quietly on some greens. This rabbit paused and shyly approached this Man. The fact that the feet of this Man had holes, as did the hands that lovingly petting it, did not disturb this rabbit at all.

The Man smiled and said to the rabbit, “Because you are the very first of My Father’s creatures to greet me this day, I have a very special task I will ask of you."

As the Man straightened, an angel appeared at His side. In his hands, the angel held the nest full of eggs, but this time additional branches had been added to the nest, woven in an arc over it. This handle enabled one to carry the nest as a basket, gently keeping the eggs safe.

The Man took the basket and handed it to the rabbit saying, “The world is full of children as innocent as these eggs. I ask that you bring these eggs to the children everywhere. Do this every year, in memory of this morning.

"In their joy of innocence, they know Me. But as their innocence fades, they must strive to seek Me, for the world will try to hide Me from their eyes. So you must hide the eggs so the children must seek them. Perhaps in this way, when their innocence fades, they will remember these mornings and seek me with the same enthusiasm and joy in their hearts. Do this in memory of Me.”

__________________________________________________________________

The above story is free for all to copy/share, provided you do not make any profit from it nor change it in any way.

- ESA

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

One Little Rice Ball

While I sat at my desk eating my one little rice ball today, I heard on the radio a campaign for children sponsorship.

Intellectually, I've known there are several places around this world where what I have for lunch is what MANY have as their meal everyday.

For too many, sadly, this is their ONLY meal.

This reached a whole new meaning when understanding went beyond my mind and touched my heart.

How many are also so hungry they would be tremendously grateful for the one little rice ball I held in my hand?

Can those of us who have regular meals ever truly understand what that feels like?

One little rice ball.
One caring heart.
One message of Love --> Reach out!

- ESA

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Child's Present

There are times we are given a moment or two, to shed our adult perspectives and see things around us through the perceptions of a child:
  • The wonder of a birdsong before the dawn's first light
  • The sound of trees in the silent night forest as they speak to one another
  • The touch of the wind as it sails past with a feather-like touch or hurricane force
  • The pastels of early springs gradually darkening to the full colors of summer
  • The thrill of singing a song, alone or with others - even if not sung well
  • The pleasure in being part of team, working and playing together side-by-side
  • The joy in listening or telling a story
  • The scent of flowers blooming on the trees or of the first baking of the day....
  • The touch of God on a soul when one prays
A young child can live completely in the moment, without worrying about the future or comparing what is around them with the past.

God, too, is in the present moment.

While being present in the past when the past WAS the present, and in the future when the future IS the present, God does not exist in the past/future of our minds. We may think that is so, but God EXISTS in the present.

When we focus on the future or dwell on the past, we miss a good part of what is around us NOW. But if we allow ourselves to fully experience the present, we can also come to know we are not alone in doing so.

A child can live completely in the moment, and we should strive to never loose that ability.

Past is past, forever gone
Future is beyond, ever an eon
Present is the gift that goes ever on.

- ESA

Like a Child

In the story below, there is a gift Amit gave Yeshua/Jesus. But the gift was not the contents of the basket. It was something far more precious to Yeshua.

It was her faith.

A child's faith can be so pure and unquestioning. That is how we can convince them that magic, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny exists. As we grow older, we question, we doubt and we put so much to the test before us - including our faith.

How hard it is for an adult to become a child, to simply accept things wholeheartedly, without questioning how something is to be, without the fear and doubt that fills our minds as adults.

But when we approach God as children, wide-eyed to see the wonders, without question... then we once again have a child's grace to step away from the doubt and the fear that fills our heads and blinds us.

I'm not saying live life with a blindfold on and be a sucker to every person who tries to take advantage of fools.

But when we fear to believe, when we question every little thing, and doubt every little wonder... then we also doubt ourselves. We become deeply mired by our doubts and fears and leave ourselves with no way to pull ourselves free. We stop progressing.

But when we let go of the doubts, questions and fears and place all our trust in God's hands, then we present the gift of our faith as well. And it's amazing what can truly unfold before our eyes.

Open arms
Open mind
Open soul

- ESA

A Palm Sunday / Passover / Easter Story

Here is a Passover/Easter story that starts on Palm Sunday, written last year. Please feel free to copy/share.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awaiting His Return


Amit was jostled by the crowds near the city gate. Short for her seven years of age, she couldn’t see what the commotion was about, but her young ears caught the exclamation, “He’s returned! Rabbi Yeshua (Jesus) has returned to Jerusalem!” Her heart leapt in joy. He came back! She vividly remembered the last time she saw him; the gentle voice and smile that lit up his eyes as he told stories to the children.

Squirming her way through the myriad thicket of legs, she dodged her way through the crowd, toward home. Dashing headlong across the small courtyard, she threw all her weight against the heavy wooden door to open it, stumbling into the cool dark interior.

Rushing to the hearth where two small bread loaves cooled from the morning’s baking, she carefully wrapped the better of the pair in a clean cloth. Cradling the still-warm loaf, she stepped out of the two-room home into the bright desert sunlight, pulling the door closed behind her.

She ran through Jerusalem’s narrow streets back to the gate, but the crowd was gone, leaving only dust motes sparkling in the sunlight. With a rising panic, she glanced around and discovered a path of palm branches strewn in the street, clearly indicating the procession’s direction. Green branches crunched under her worn leather sandals as she panted up that street. The scent of newly cut palms rose from the dust, mingling with the scents of humanity and animals common to the city of her birth.

When she finally caught up with them, Yeshua was dismounting the young donkey he rode into the city, and a great crowd of followers and curious onlookers gathered. Using her small stature to advantage, she clutched the loaf close to her heart and ducked between the people, pushing her way to the front where he stood. When one of his followers stopped her, Yeshua spied her and said she could come forward. With reverence and the unconscious grace only the young can exhibit, she approached smiling and held out her gift. “Here, Rabbi, it’s the first I’ve ever made!”

The cloth was now dusty from its journey, but warm to his fingertips as he accepted it; the aroma of fresh baked bread drifted out from the folds to greet his nose. He smiled kindly with twinkling eyes and lowered himself on one knee, meeting her gaze levelly. “Thank you, Amit.”

“I’m glad you came back, Rabbi Yeshua. I knew you would return to Jerusalem.”

His smile broadened and he placed his hand lovingly on her slim shoulder. “I tell you this, child. I will always return to those who believe.”

She grinned back and replied, “Thank you, Rabbi.” She bestowed a kiss on his bearded cheek and then simply turned and pushed her way back through the crowd towards her awaiting chores.

The following days passed in bliss; she rushed through chores as her father attended Yeshua’s teachings. Then she gathered with the other children to hear wondrous stories. At night, her family listened as their father recounted Yeshua’s teachings.

Four days after the memorable entrance, she helped her mother clean and prepare their home for the Pesach (Passover). She loved this holiday and even helped bake the matzoh and set the Seder Plate for that first night. Her father read from the Haggadah (Exodus) and asked the youngest child the traditional questions, starting with “Why is this night different?” The family prayed together and sang the familiar songs, eating with the dishes reserved for this special holiday. While she hunted for the Afikomen with her younger siblings, Amit wondered where Yeshua celebrated the Seder that night, and how long he would be in Jerusalem.

The next day arrived with a tumult in the streets. Her father departed early and returned quickly, demanding that she stay home with her siblings. “Do not even venture beyond our gate, Amit,” he admonished, knowing her tendency to be headstrong.

“Honor your father’s wishes, Amit,” her mother added as she draped her head-covering over her head and shoulders, following her husband down the street.

With her mother gone, she drew the water, tended the fire, baked the matzoh, ground the grain into flour, and other household tasks she could do. Her curiosity grew as the hours passed. At one point, she heard a great crowd moving through the city. Laboring to get the ladder against their home, she clambered onto the rooftop. But the crowd was too distant to see anything of interest as it traveled down the hill and out the gate. The girl sighed disappointed and returned to her chores.

Three hours later, she shivered and looked up from the small grinder in her lap. The sky had grown ominously dark, moreso because sunset was three hours away. Fearing a storm, she told her siblings to shutter the windows. She also prayed to God that if the storm was bad, her parents would find shelter; they were away a long time.

Gathering the grinder and bowls with wheat kernels and flour, she started across the courtyard. But before she reached the doorway, the ground violently shook, throwing her to her knees; bowls and grinder clattered to the ground, spilling her day’s work. Heedless of the loss, she shouted to her siblings above the unknown roar and frightening shifting and explosions of stone and mortar from the surrounding buildings as though she suddenly found herself beneath a giant’s grinding stone.

Hearing dismayed cries, she pulled herself to her feet and stumbled over heaving ground to the doorframe, bracing herself there. Her two siblings inside clung to each other, crying with wide, terrified eyes. Maintaining her grip on the doorpost just below the Mezuzah, Amit threw an outstretched hand toward them and grabbed a sleeve, yanking the pair through the door with a strength she did not know she possessed.

As the three tumbled to the ground, the earthquake ended as abruptly as it started. An eerie silence surrounded them; their coughing exceedingly loud in the air thick with dust under a dark, ominous sky. As the event began to register in her seven-year-old mind, she clung to her siblings and wept with them.

Not long after, their parents scrambled up the rubble-strewn street, entering their courtyard. Relieved to find their children alive and their home relatively intact, both parents clutched their offspring to their breasts and thanked God.

After a while, Amit found her voice and asked, “What happened, Abba?”

Her father gently grasped both her hands, meeting her curious gaze. “Today they crucified Rabbi Yeshua.”

She stood there, shaking her head wordlessly; silent tears streamed down her dusty cheeks. She mouthed the words “No” and “Why” but no sound escaped past the lump in her throat.

He embraced her, stroking her hair as the words sank in. After a few moments, she snuffled and pulled her head back, asking, “But Rabbi Yeshua will return, won’t he?”

He gently shook his head, tears welling in his own eyes. “He’s gone, child. He died today.”

“But… But he said he’ll always return to those who believe…. He said so….” The last words were a whisper fading into the dusty silence.

He tried to draw his distraught daughter back into his embrace, but she pulled away. With all the determination she could muster, she marched to the side of their home and uprighted the fallen ladder, climbing back onto the rooftop.

Shaking his head, he mounted the ladder and poked his head above the roofline. The child stared toward the city gate through which Yeshua was escorted to Golgotha. Evening fell early under the dark sky, but there was an inner light shining in his young daughter’s eyes. He gently asked, “What are you looking for, Amit?”

“I’m watching for Rabbi Yeshua’s return, Abba.” she quietly replied.

Tears rolled over his cheeks into his beard as he climbed onto the rooftop, standing beside her. Wordlessly, he placed his hand on her slim shoulder, watching with her as the environs slowly grew darker. Sunset approached; it was time for his wife to light the candles and for them to recite the Kiddush. He helped his daughter down from the roof and inside.

All through the Shabbat (Sabbath), Amit was quieter than usual, much quieter. She was deep in thought with a determined look that never left her features.

When the first three stars appeared that evening, she approached her father, “Rabbi Yeshua has been gone for over a day now,” she started matter-of-factly. “He’ll be hungry. Let’s prepare some food we can leave out for him to eat when he returns.”

Her mother was about to countermand her wishes, but her father solemnly nodded his assent. She practically skipped to the chicken coup in the courtyard, gathering the eggs to boil. As the hearth fire cooked the eggs and slowly heated the baking stones, she helped her mother prepare the matzoh and the evening’s meal.

A few hours later, Amit wrapped a warm shawl around her head and shoulders and gathered the basket containing a skin of wine, the hard-boiled eggs and matzoh. Her father held a lit lamp aloft, illuminating the dark road before them.

While she had been out after dark before, for some unknown reason this night felt different, and her skin pimpled with a chill as the words of the first Pesach question echoed through her mind, *Why is this night different?*

The familiar streets and known lamps in their stands, as well as the flickering light in the unshuttered windows and open doorways did not appear changed, but it felt as though she was seeing it all for the first time.

He escorted her down several streets; the aromas of the evening meals and fresh-baked matzoh filled the early night air, mingling with the scents of woodsmoke and heated lamp oil. Those scents faded as they exited through the city gates lit by smoking torches and made their way into a nearby garden.

There he paused and placed a firm hand on her shoulder, turning her to face him. “Child, I’m taking you to the place where they laid the body of Rabbi Yeshua after he died on the cross.”

She nodded gravely; her determination only growing stronger. So he gestured with the lamp which path they should take. In a quiet part of the garden, there was a freshly-hewn tomb with a large stone rolled before the entrance, sealing it shut. Two bored guards entertained themselves with a dice game under the light of fluttering torches on poles to one side.

Her father gestured for silence and took the basket from her, passing her the lamp while indicating that she should hide its flame. Hugging the ground, he slowly and carefully made his way along the rocky outcropping opposite where the guards sat. Still several feet from the tomb, he gently placed the basket in a nearby bush and quietly retreated to his daughter’s side. Firmly grasping her hand, he led her quickly away from the guards.

When they were a safe distance, she returned the lamp and whispered, “Did you leave the basket where Rabbi Yeshua would find it, Abba?”

He smiled and squeezed her hand reassuringly. “Child, if God in his wisdom led a serving woman to find the infant Moses in his basket among the river reeds, I’m certain God can help Rabbi Yeshua find that basket we left for him.”

She studied his face in the lamplight as they walked quickly. “You believe Rabbi Yeshua will return too, Abba.” It was not a question.

He paused and lowered himself to one knee, meeting her gaze levelly. “Amit, my daughter, I have heard of the many wonders Rabbi Yeshua has done. I believe he was, indeed, sent by God to our people. If he told you he’d return, perhaps… just perhaps he will. We shall see.”

He stood upright, affectionately squeezed her hand in his and together they headed home in mutual peace and understanding through the night air filled with Pesach songs.

In the darkness before the dawn, someone gently touched Amit’s cheek, awakening her from a deep sleep. A soft voice whispered in her ear, “Be quiet, child, and come outside.”

Careful not to disturb her siblings sleeping in the same bed beside her, she slipped out from under the warm covers and shivered in the chill desert night air. Barefooted, she left the sleeping room and padded across the main room past the banked hearth fire and out the open door.

Under a moon only days past its full face, Yeshua stood smiling at her as he stood there in brilliantly white robes. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and drew her unkempt hair away from her face. “Rabbi? Is that you?” she whispered.

His teeth showed clearly in his beard as he grinned broadly. “It is I, Amit,” he whispered back. He held out the empty basket. “Thank you for your gift.”

She accepted the basket and was about to reach up to bestow a kiss upon his cheek, but he stepped back. “Touch me not, child, for I have yet to go to my Father.”

She pouted. “You are leaving Jerusalem again?”

“For a time, but I will Return to those who believe. I will always return.” With another smile and a friendly wave, he passed through the courtyard gate.

Racing to the gateway, she looked up and down their street, but he was nowhere in sight. Closing the gate, she clutched the basket to her heart and told herself, “He’ll return someday, and I’ll be waiting.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-ESA

Friday, March 19, 2010

Fear the Lord?

Someone just sent me a Twitter DM that read, "I love people that fear the Lord!!! They're cool people!" For some reason I replied, "I Love, honor and respect God. A person doesn't approach the One (s)he fears. What I "fear" is disappointing Him."

We traded a few more DM's after that, but I believe my feelings were best summed up in this: "I know many Christians use the phrase, and that God does have a temper! For some reason, though, it seems odd to fear One I Love so much...."

In that nutshell I realized that, over the years, I've opened my heart to Love to the point where there is no more room left for fear. Instead, I have found unquestioning Trust in God.

I certainly know God has a temper! I know what God's Wrath can do....

But the Love inside helps me get past the trepidation caused by this knowledge and I'm able to open my heart wide to both God and others without fear. Even when I know I'll find heartache sometimes. I Love God so much that I cannot hold back and cower in fear; I just want to run to Him, do what I can to please Him and serve Him in whatever ways I am called to do!

What I now fear isn't God - but disappointing Him. Like a toddler who always tries to please a parent, sometimes I succeed, and I know sometimes I fail.... :*(

Looking back at these words, I also wonder how many people stake a claim in their faith ONLY because they FEAR the outcome of NOT doing so..... instead of opening their hearts to Love.

Seek the Love
To get past Fear
And find the Love so very dear!

-ESA

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Planting the Seed (story)

I wrote this about a year ago, but the early arrival of spring in southern New England has brought this post to mind. As I sit beside an open window and hear the crowd gathered at the outside tables of the pub next door, I decided it's time to repost this. Enjoy!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The early morning sun rose gloriously in the eastern sky as the two walkers set out for a stroll down a quiet Main Street in a small New England town.

The woman glanced at a sign above a new eatery as they walked past, "Mustard Seed Cafe."

She smiled mischievously as she took a sip of her coffee and commented toward her companion, "That sign reminds me of something... Maybe something you said once, about a seed...."

The man walking at her side laughed, his white teeth showing clearly through his beard. "And what did you take away from that one?"

She shrugged and glanced around her looking for some inspiration for another witty remark. "Wasn't there a parable involved..."

A little wren dove down to the sidewalk a few feet before them and picked at the concrete block a moment, then fluttered away. "No, that's right, the parable I'm thinking about involved seed being tossed in different places, each failing save the seed that hit fertile grown and produced hundredfold or something like that."

He chuckled nodding, "...something like that. So what about the mustard seed?"

She grinned as she took another sip of her coffee from the travel mug. "Little seed becomes big plant. Right?"

His deep brown eyes took on a blend of challenge and mischeif, "Maybe you can write a story about it?"

She smirked, "Yeah, right."

He gestured expansively with his arm, "You are a writer; you were given that gift. Write a story about it. Maybe then you'd understand it better."

She took a good swallow of her coffee, while she started to wrap her mind around the challenge, knowing there was something there that maybe DID make a good story...

She shifted the story into the back of mind to simmer, and the conversation changed, covering a broad range of topics about what was going on in her life.

Before she knew it, the conversation arrived at the topic she needed to speak about. Part of her shyly wanted to hold back and digress, but another part knew this is why she asked her companion to walk with her this morning. She really needed his advice, his guidance. She rolled the still-warm metal travel mug between her palms as she searched for the words.

"I... I really don't know what it is I should be doing with my life. All these little projects get started, and then... they just seem to peeter off into nothing. I feel like I start so many things and just can't seem to finish them. What is it that I should be doing?"

He draped his arm lovingly across her shoulders and smiled gently. "Plant the seeds."

"And then?"

"Nurture them a little until they sprout."

Her hands paused as she glanced quizzically at him. "And then?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

He grinned, seeing she wasn't getting it, but - with infinite patience - gave her the time to think . "Nothing."

She knew that look on his face, she'd seen it before. She walked wordlessly at his side for a spell, fingers wrapped around the warmth of the mug and her shoulders wrapped in the warm embrace of his arm.

"But if I do nothing, what will happen to what I started? It would just unravel wouldn't it?"

"Not necessarily."

Again, she shot him an inquiring look, raising one eyebrow in his direction.

He smiled back at her but didn't say a word.

"Well?"

He paused and turned to face her. She stopped and faced him with a look that clearly read "Tell me or stop teasing me."

He playfully poked the bridge of her nose and quietly replied, "That's my job."

The challenge in her eyes faded as comprehension dawned in her mind. Then she smiled as they resumed their walk. She nodded and tossed back the last of the coffee. "You're right. I really should trust you more often."

Companionably the two continued their stroll down Main Street.

Two pairs of sandals tapped quietly down the sidewalk in the early spring morning. One pair worn below jeans and a T-shirt; the other beneath a desert robe from a bygone age.

- ESA