Broken Pride

This past Sunday I had heat exhaustion, bordering on heat stroke. One of the first things to go is the ability to assess one's well being.

It was hot. It was humid. Temperatures were in the mid-90's F (35'C) and climbing. My husband and I agreed that it was NOT a day to walk to church. So we drove and climbed the stairs up from the parking lot.

At the top, I couldn't catch my breath, but blamed it on the high-level of humidity. Inside the air conditioned church, however, I still couldn't breathe and my head spun. My husband touched my forehead and arm, noting I was cold and clammy. But he gave me the final decision.

Usually, I am very stubborn, especially with my own health. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I was also raised with strict lessons that one never "makes a scene." Mass was about to start; we couldn't walk out now. My pride shouted, "Soldier on!" Every moment of childhood upbringing called out, "Don't make a scene! You'll bring shame to yourself and others. This is a church; behave yourself! Just stand there and wait for Mass to end."

I wavered with indecision, but a more recent training kicked in. This is a choice between pride and allowing God and others to help me.

The decision was made as the room spun and I could barely comprehend what others around me said. I looked at my husband with eyes that clearly read, "Help me."

I was seated in a nearby back pew, then he ran out to get the car and bring it to the nearest door. I think I had lost all color as those around me were mentioning something about my face. I had stopped sweating suddenly; a bad sign, I realized in hindsight. But at that moment, I was dizzy and trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Guilt danced in my head.

Pride wanted me to stand and fit in with the rest, but it was now broken. I was following what the Spirit inside told me to do. Something is wrong; let others care for me.

The ushers noted that I didn't stand with the rest of the congregation but instead sat with my head forward on my arm. When they came over, they were concerned. I told them my husband was getting the car and they insisted on staying with me until he got back.

They thought I was keeping my head forward and focusing on breathing. The truth was I was trying to stop people from seeing my tears. People were gathering and whispering in the pews all around. Mass was continuing. My pride shrieked of my guilt! I WAS MAKING A SCENE! IN CHURCH!!!! I should be ashamed!!!!

But then, someone touched my arm asking what they could do to help. I looked up with a tear-streaked face and answered again that my husband was getting the car to take me home. But when they asked again, I smiled a wavering lopsided smile and added, "A prayer would help too."

That was it. It clicked in my mind. Getting past the pride, I was opening a way for God to help. I was opening a way for others to reach out to God. Yes, they were in church for a Sunday Mass already, but sometimes the real purpose of prayer is lost in the ritual.

I prayed too, before and after leaving church. I was thankful too. God had found a way to help break through my stubborn pride. And this time I didn't need to pass out in order to get the point across.

The choice between pride and God is always there.

Even in the midst of a personal storm. 

~ESA

Please Don't Be Angry...

Those who know me well, know I truly enjoy rhyming on Twitter. There are days when I find myself too busy to tweet or write. But there are also other times I need to steer clear from Twitter because, inside, something is not right. While I am still not that comfortable sharing some inner struggles with my readers, this wanted to be shared...


Most of my readers are at least familiar with the Gospel accounts of Yeshua/Jesus the Christ. Many will agree that He loves all of us, even shared company with those who others believed were the dregs of society. He wept with some; He laughed with many. But He would get angry too...


The accounts that spring to my mind are times when His temper flared. He mocked, yelled, even trashed a temple market place. When I look back over the accounts, I find that Christ didn't get THAT mad at every person's sins / mistakes. What really fired Him up was when those who were called to bring people to God (or at least played that part in society), were not doing what they should. Instead, those people were lapping up the benefits of the spotlight, the best seat, the riches, the belief that they were the favored/chosen ones well above all, worthy to judge and belittle the rest. Yet they saw no blemish within themselves.

In a round-about way, that's what brings me to periods of silence on Twitter. I Love Yeshua/Jesus with all my heart. I don't want ANYthing to come between us, even my own stubborn stupidity at times. I understand the ramifications of taking on the twitter name of @JesusSister. While I love Him as dear as a little sister loves, admires, respects and wants to imitate her big Brother, I also know my place: that is OUTside the spotlight.

As any who are in the spotlight can tell you, regardless if it's the entertainment industry, political arena, office politics or even the family favorite: the spotlight feels good. Kudos and praise from others are very, very sweet, like a rich dessert. But like a dessert's calories, the spotlight has a price too.

When someone speaks on affairs of the soul, of God, or starts the path to uplift the spirits of another, we have a responsibility. We need to continue on a path that let's GOD shine - not us. It is so easy - so very, very easy - to be caught up in the euphoria of public praise, even just a few people's high-opinion, that we can start thinking ourselves above them, better than them. So very smoothly we transition from a voice guiding someone to the loving arms of God to the very same hearts and minds of the pharisee's that Christ raged against.

There are days such sweet praise encourages me to continue to share the blessings and nuggets. At the same time, I grow very frightened for I do not want to become like the Pharisee's or similar modern-day preachers and prophets.

• Wow wow wow, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you SO much : )
• TY, dear one. Lovely words, as always. You truly are a positive influence on many!
• I sooooo ℓσνє your poetic gιfтιиg. It cheers and encourages my нєαят. May God bless u in those spectacular of ways. ツ
• That was beautiful, TY!
• Sincerity of Heart in it's fervency demonstrates the Love of God for all to see...this you do Little Sister,this you do! :)
• Your tweet made my day and gave me hope, thank u sister
• You really know how to lift a sister up. ツ
• Ur words r divine......:)))
• she is smart
• Amen! And thank you for this.
• a message to the Soul so fair.. -you do the fine rhyme
• You have been blessed with the gift of being able to write what other can only feel but have no words for.
• caring heart, abounding in His Love!
• Love your tweets!! :)
• @JesusSister is such a blessing. Her poetical gifting is simply marvelous. Please #ff her.
• Please follow @JesusSister ... Follower her as I follow Christ..... #agape

I think the last one nails where I am trying to go with this. It frightens me! Glory & praise should be for God, not me. Yes, I do need the encouragement and I sincerely appreciate the kind words sent my way. I know they are from good hearts who are not trying to entrap me. Please don't think I am saying that.

But at the same time, I need to watch myself all the closer when such sweet praise comes. I can not lap it up. I cannot grow fat with it. I cannot sit in the spotlight for the Song in my heart that I sing isn't from me alone.

Humility.

I need humility so bad some days it hurts within and tears flow. I really don't want Christ mad at me. I love Him too much. The spotlight here should never be so sweet that I want it instead of Christ's smile. Instead, I turn to Yeshua/Jesus, away from Twitter, and wait patiently until the sparkles fade and I can sing notes clearly again. Without Him, all my words would be only to bring myself praise, and thus wither on the vine.

Without Christ, my Song will turn bitter
I see myself above brothers and sisters
Instead of beside them where I belong
Where Christ still is today...

- ESA

Twit-Gusted!

Those that follow my Twitter account closely may have noticed I dropped off twitter for a bit. Before I disappeared, I stopped thanking people publicly for re-postings/"retweets" (RTs), follow recommendations (FF), and mentions of my user-name in general.

While I still believe it's polite to thank someone when they recommend me, send greetings my way and sharing (RT) one of my posts that they liked, I came to realize that people like to see their user-name mentioned publicly on Twitter - including me. In order to perpetuate the mention of their user-name, some would re-post anything containing their user-name, including posts where I thanked a group of people.

This produced multiple copies of the same list, as one person would re-post it and others would re-post the re-postings, and so on. Soon my inbox was inundated with more nonsense re-posts than there were tribbles on the Enterprise!

All this is simply because people enjoy stroking their own and each other's egos. No useful information, inspiration, motivation, conversation or humor are in those posts, just repeated strings of usernames for the sake of seeing your name again and again.

It disgusted me when I realized what it was. Not only when I saw people do this earnestly every day, but also because I kept adding fuel to it when I continued to thank them publicly. I was also shamed because I also took delight in getting my ego stroked too as I jumped into the mutual masturbation circle.

I started to thank people privately through direct messages (DM's) on twitter and will probably continue to do so. But I had to take a step away from twitter - in disgust and shame.

How easy it was to start to love the feeling that welled within me when I saw my name mentioned, when I basked in the glow of recognition, and when I let that feeling steer me away from what I want to do with the tool twitter provides.

- ESA

Obstacles and Tools

As one strives to grow spiritually, one recognizes and overcomes obstacles that impede growth. Often, these can be summed up in two words: Fear and Self-Pride.

Fear hinders our efforts to open our hearts and reach out to others. It prevents us from leaving comfortable situations for something new and unknown. Fear of failure stills hands and tongues more often than any criticism, reprimand or outside threat.

Self-Pride - feeling that I am greater or stand taller than others in someone's eyes (including God's) - leads to prejudice, ostentation, greed, jealousy, bitterness, lies, and corruption of the soul. With it, one's eyes remain on oneself and not where they should be.

Then there's the combination of the two: when one allows fear of what others think of them to alter what one is inspired to do. That defeats the purpose, for in changing it one weakens or kills it. Or worse, changes it's message or intent.

Within our possession we have tools to counter this.

Faith and Trust work together to form the Courage that sees us through the Fear. Faith and Trust in God opens us to Guidance and Understanding of things that were beyond us, helping us break the illusion fear often holds before our eyes.

We also bring out the best in others by believing in them and trusting them to do the right thing. Yes, we will get hurt, for the world is not perfect. But it's good-faith efforts that allows humanity to collaborate. And when we work together, something amazing happens: We accomplish far more than the sum of our individual efforts!

Humility is hard to maintain, but it keeps the ego down to a manageable size. It helps one to see the the false glitter of lies and LAUGH in it's face! It will not be in standing before people but in serving people that things progress. For in working for and with one another, we grow. Those that stand proudly in front oft are the ones blocking the progress.

Keeping our eyes off ourselves is one of the hardest things. Each year we celebrate our own birth. Attention is given to individual grades in school; personal accomplishments are recognized. To get a job, we must tell people what we do and how well we do it. It's become our way of life.

We need to avert our eyes from a public, self-centered perspective to see what is outside of ourselves (others and their needs) and within ourselves (God's Love, Guidance and Wisdom).

Further, this leads to another tool: Prayer. When we know we are not alone, and when we realize we need help, we pray. Sometimes we bemoan our circumstances and ask for help. But when take our eyes off ourselves completely, praying for others and opening ourselves to His Guidance, we let His Love combine with our love.

And in serving humbly, we allow that Love to flow through our thoughts, works and words. When we focus on self, this is choked off. When we focus how WE are helping others, it is crippled. But when we move our focus off ourselves entirely, it flows sweetly.

When we get past the Fear and Self-Pride,
So many wondrous things happen.

-ESA

Pride-Priorities

Today is part of a string of days filled with non-stop running from place-to-place and group-to-group as my husband and I make our annual multi-state run to visit family and friends.

We both lacked sleep and time to unwind from one gathering to the next. Plus, as we were staying with my mother this week, she had a long list of things she wanted us to do as well.

In addition, I've been trying to find a stretch of quiet time to myself so I can update my resume and initiate the job search before I returned to work on Monday. The week drew to a close quicker than I expected and I barely started my resume.

Then I sprained a muscle in my right hand; the pain made my temper even shorter while the list of those to see continued to grow longer. More people heard we were in the area and wanted us to drop by for a visit too.

Today, I snapped at my husband for no reason at all. The stress had taken its toll and I found myself on the verge of tears. :(

And it took that moment for me to pause, take a step back and look at what was going on in my life. I was being pulled in so many different directions, I felt I no longer had control of things. Every time another person wanted us to visit or help with something, I never said no, but tried to squeeze them in.

Essentially, they were in control of my life. I needed to take the reigns again or I would quickly be driven into the ground and no good to anyone.

What I needed to learn to do was to prioritize. What are the important things I need to accomplish today? What things really matter? What things would be nice to do, but can be missed?

Pride told me that I can do it all, that all I had to do was tackle it head on. It dawned on me today that "everything" wasn't an acceptable choice. I was exhausted, ineffective, and had become rude to people, snapping at the smallest annoyance. I had to focus on the important things and call the rest to say, "I'm sorry, maybe another time."

I also made sure to take time to listen to the quiet voice within. Letting myself be guided not by the chaotic noise of the multiple voices outside myself demanding my attention, but by something more. Something that will help me address the important things and let the little things slide by without too much "guilt" that the world lays at our doorsteps when we cannot keep up with the overburdened schedules of our lives.

Pause and Pray
Prioritize
Go

-ESA