I want to share something I've learned with my readers, an understanding I came to realize. There are times, when I fail to reach a goal, falter in my steps or otherwise not perform as I should. Once I realize my error, one of two things can happen:
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I am repulsed by the act or failure to act on my part. I sincerely regret what I have done, see where I have gone wrong, and try to learn HOW to do it correctly. Then I am motivated to be stronger and do it right the next time. This way, I am enabled to learn from the mistake and grow.
Then there is a much darker path my head and heart can go....
I look at my failures and truly hate myself, my life, my being, my spirit, and my soul. I am filled with self-loathing, self-revulsion, and self-hatred; I am repulsed by what I see and can actually embrace the ideas that I am not worthy of another chance and that even God could not love me. I stick my head in the proverbial sand and hide - from myself, from what I have done, from God.
This is what will poison us from within. This kind of self-revulsion - not for the wrong we have done but to hate our very selves to the point where we cut God from our lives. We do not give ourselves the chance to seek forgiveness. We do not yearn for the opportunity to try again, to do better. We are just stuck in a rut, hating ourselves.
This hate can lead to other forms of self-infliction ~ cutting, self-mutilation, alcohol and drug abuse, as they are seen as an escape from this pain. Even worse, when we cannot love ourselves, we choke off our ability to love one another; those around us suffer too.
Then there is a much darker path my head and heart can go....
I look at my failures and truly hate myself, my life, my being, my spirit, and my soul. I am filled with self-loathing, self-revulsion, and self-hatred; I am repulsed by what I see and can actually embrace the ideas that I am not worthy of another chance and that even God could not love me. I stick my head in the proverbial sand and hide - from myself, from what I have done, from God.
This is what will poison us from within. This kind of self-revulsion - not for the wrong we have done but to hate our very selves to the point where we cut God from our lives. We do not give ourselves the chance to seek forgiveness. We do not yearn for the opportunity to try again, to do better. We are just stuck in a rut, hating ourselves.
This hate can lead to other forms of self-infliction ~ cutting, self-mutilation, alcohol and drug abuse, as they are seen as an escape from this pain. Even worse, when we cannot love ourselves, we choke off our ability to love one another; those around us suffer too.
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My understanding came when I had the rare opportunity to feel both of these side-by-side. First I felt the darker emotions, and started to hide from God. Then I somehow realized what I was doing and felt penitent for letting myself get caught by such dark emotions and turning away from God, and I deeply desired to correct that.
Side-by-side, it become so clear. One helps you to be sincerely sorry, learn from it, and lifts you up to try again. The other tries to mire you down with self-loathing and helps you to hide from God's Loving heart.
Now I know the difference and strive to not only learn, but pass on what I know.
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