Squish Humor

This is a humorous story I've seen by email, online and taped to the back of the door where I get my mammography. I wanted to share it with my readers as humor... not as a suggestion (especially the ending).

There was a lengthy battle with my nerves after hearing horror stories from my friends. I never had a mammogram, and at 35 everyone said I just had to do it. I actually kept my appointment.

I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long, I'd forgotten why I was there and asked the man, "So, what are you here for?" Talk about a show stopper.

Dead silence filled the room just as "Nurse Ratchet" stepped out to announce my name. I rushed past giggles, hurrying after the 'angel of mercy'.

Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard-carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Alllll I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This isn't rocket science."

But before I could say a word, Belinda skipped away to prepare the torture chamber.

It's crazy; the machine transforms a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38- LONG in less than 60 seconds. 

Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice... it's Spandex! We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the left side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the right and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with one boob wedged between two 4-inch pieces of square glass) when we heard and felt the 'ZAP'!

There was complete darkness as the power went off.

"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda chirped happily as she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttt backkkk."

Before I could shout, "NOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with parts of me dangling from the 'jaws of life' and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite, "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, "Did you know that the power is off?"

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes... yes I did, thanks."

"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement. She said, "Oh, I am sooooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....