New Start

I know I haven't written in a while. I could come up with dozens of reasons to type here, but I should simply say, I have not. As I try to re-start my daily blog, I hope once I get the first blog down the words will flow as readily as they did before.

This weekend I've come to realize something as I took some time to ponder things. The more I got the thanks, kudos, atta-girls, retweets, compliments and flattery on Twitter, the more I assumed it was all me - my work. If people wanted help with something or asked for an ear to listen, it was ME. That can inflate one's ego quite rapidly and give a girl a swelled head.

The more I believed it was me tweeting great things, getting followers on Twitter, helping others online and off, the more I puffed up my own ego as well. It was also when my ability to write my blog and stories, as well as say and do just the right things, rapidly declined.

The effectiveness of my words and actions deflated as rapidly as a ruptured balloon. Why? Because by relying on myself, I denied God's part in the whole thing. God was the One who gave me the words to say when I needed them, gave me the time/place/opportunity to be there for friends who needed an ear or a hand with something, gave me the ideas or skills I needed to do what was required of me. When I assumed I could do it all on my own, I started to drop the whole mess like a waitress on roller blades hitting a patch of grease and dropping a full table's worth of service - broken dishes et al.

That was pretty stupid.

How can I forgot? Why didn't I notice when my blogs became less frequent and then stopped altogether? Why didn't I notice when I haven't written a new story in months? Or even when my effectiveness to help others become significantly less, ending in more frustrations. :(

Sadly, I used excuses: I'm too busy at work; I'm too busy on Twitter; I'm too busy helping others... That last one was really pathetic, as the main drive behind helping others was fading day-by-day replaced by one heck of an ego trip. And that was wrong. :( But sadly, that was the one excuse I'd use so often, even telling myself that.

As I've seen in various quotes up and down Twitter, it's never too late to turn things around as long as there is breath in me. Each new day CAN be a new start. That's what I'm trying to do right now, a new start with this blog post. Sadly, it took me three days to actually sit down and type this.

But a visit to church today helped me find the strength I needed. Not my strength, the strength from God as He helps me work my way back to where I was a few months ago, letting Him inspire my words and works -- in a unison that is beyond words. Interestingly enough, nearby church-bells started to play this wonderful melody as I started this paragraph. Not chiming the hour (it's 6:30 pm) but actual melodies (it's on the second one now).

Shall I call this coincidence or let it touch my heart? I think I'll let it inspire me, moreso as I haven't heard any of the local church-bells do this before. I listen to the sounds peal under the clear sky as I struggle to let go of my overinflated ego.

Reaching with outstretched hand....
To the One that guides...
And Loves.

- ESA