Different Set of Eyes

Recently a friend caused me some heartache. There are days when he is open, friendly and caring; other times when he is quite cold and callous. I know the later times are when his own suffering causes him to snap and be bitter, even toward those he considers friends. I will admit, though, sometimes it cuts me pretty deeply. I tell myself, "It's just the pain talking. Ignore it." But it's hard to ignore my pain, feeling that I am being treated badly - even worthless.

I have also realized there are times where I am baited into an argument, sometimes over the stupidest things! These I believe are ways in which, subconsciously, part of him is trying to prove that the frustration and anger he harbors toward me is justified. In turn, I become frustrated and angry at him.

There have been nights I sat awake, trying to will myself to forgive. Really forgive, not just say, "I forgive you" and then run through my mind all the times he hurt me. More, my mind would go over those silly arguments in minute detail trying to prove that I was right and he was wrong. This, after all, was just MY ego getting in the way and preventing me from truly forgiving him. I need to completely let it go and open my heart to love, not hate or even the simple human grumbling we tend to do about people that hurt us.

On one of these nights, I finally realized why he lashes out when he's in pain. It is part of his defense system, to project the pain, frustration and anger outward. I was just an easy target for this to be projected upon. He would then easily become frustrated and angry at me, maybe even see me as someone that is hurting him, when my own eyes see myself as the victim. The saying "hurting people hurt others" rings true.

Whenever we push another away, we hurt ourselves. BUT when we become aware of what is happening, we have the responsibility. I needed see and respond only to that caring person inside, not the person that is nasty to me.

I am trying a new way to interact with this person. I listen to him, but try not to let my own ego have the spotlight and speak of myself or my life. He needs an ear, not a prattling voice. I help him in ways that I can, but do not ask for the same in return. When his life is better, I am sure he will do he same.

When the nastiness rises to the surface, I smile and reply politely. If it continues, I walk quietly away. I will no longer be caught up in pointless arguments that will only increase his frustration and anger. I will no longer acknowledge the nasty person, but try to strive to always see the caring person that is currently buried under his own pain.

After nearly a month, I have found myself more at peace within myself. I have had far less pointless arguments and no longer spend hours trying to get the "I was the one who was right" debate silenced in my mind. There is less stress and more healing in my life.

I continue move forward on this path
Looking through a different set of eyes

- ESA

Inner Song

In days before Twitter
before 3G technology
before YouTube
before iPods
before DVD's
before cell phones
before CD's
before Bulletin Boards
before the Internet
before PC's
before satellite dishes
before VHS (and Beta)
before cordless phones
before cassette tapes
before cable TV
before pushbutton phones
before 45's and LP's
before color television
before television
before records (78's et al.)
before radio
before telephones....

In a time before all the distractions we've inundated ourselves with, there was a time when one could sit for a moment and listen to the silence. But in that silence, there was a song - a melody with a message that arose from within our hearts.

That song is still within us, but with all the constant and ever-increasing diversions with which we surround ourselves, we no longer hear it; nor do we take the time to listen.

When our world (personal or global) is in chaos, what do we do? Do we continue to turn to the conundrum and try to find one message that answers "What do I do?" Or do we finally break from the noise and listen to the song within each and everyone of us?

There are a few letters that people have passed around and posted (google "Jesus Letter"); one of my favorites is "Love Letter from Jesus" (or similar) within which is this passage:

"Do not be concerned with yourself.
You are My responsibility.
...
but not when you are trying.
I won't fight your efforts."

I find this to be very true, in my life and in the lives of others. If we listen to the song - the Word sung within our heart - He guides us. But when we are headstrong and seize control of our lives, He will not fight us but will stand by our side as we fumble, waiting for us to take the time and listen.

As adults, we learned to take control of our own lives. Very few have placed their complete trust in God and said, "OK - lead me. Where are we going?"

It's hard - very, very difficult, in fact -- but still possible.

How many of us choose to dance to the song found in our hearts instead of the one playing on the multimedia equipment we possess?

Only when things are out of control do we turn to God, when our world is chaos and we can no longer dance to the broken songs outside ourselves no matter how hard we try.

And sadly, more often than not, when we allow God to help us back to our feet, we take back control over our lives, forgetting the guidance that still sings within our hearts and dance again to the beat of another.

Take a moment -- today, tomorrow, each day -- to just pause and listen to the song within your heart. It's there day and night. What does it sing to you? Try to dance to that beat. Even if it's only a few steps, it's a start. And little steps lead to bigger ones.

I'm not saying cut yourself from the world (I'm not, obviously). But allocate some quiet time to listen within the silence to a song sung through the millennia into humanity's hearts, but is currently overwhelmed.

Be Still
Listen
Hear
.... and Dance!

- ESA