Evening Star Aglow: Snowball Fight (Story)

This is the funniest snowball fight I have ever participated in, about this time sixteen years ago. The following are actual e-mails between my then-boyfriend (now husband) and myself as we battled interstate between Pennsylvania and New England with frozen balls of virtual water...

To: Tony

From: Tara

Sent: Wednesday, December 11, 1996

Subject: Heads up

Have you seen the virtual snowball fights people have these days. Since there’s not much snow here, I’ll scoop up a mostly mudball (with a little snow) and send it your way.

*** MUDBALL ***

Love, Tara

To: Tara

From: Tony

Sent: Thursday, December 12, 1996

Subject: Re: Heads up

The mudball sails through the air, heading for its target. Suddenly a flurry of movement. The mudball explodes and returns to you in a shower of dirty snow. Didn't know about the paddle ball paddle did you. While you are dealing with the muddy shower you hear several thumping sounds.

Twenty snow balls (clean) heading your way. Can you say catapults?

Love, Tony

To: Tony

From: Tara

Sent: Friday, December 13, 1996

Subject: Re: Heads up

Is that what this brown snow is? The watery mud freezes as it reaches the higher elevations of Northeastern PA. The scattering of moisture mixes with the snow already falling here.

A few snowballs (apparently from your catapult) come hurtling from the sky. As the snowballs come screeching groundward, I yank the oversized rubber tarp off of the back of my landlord's truck. The snowballs hit the outstretched tarp, and spring back at an angle right back at you. (Please note, depending on the weather you have there, you'll either get rain, or one heck of hail storm.)

HERE THEY COME....

SNOWBALL

Love, Tara

To: Tara

From: Tony

Date: Monday, December 16, 1996

Subject: Re: Heads up

Seeing the number in incoming snowballs can't be handled with one paddle, I call out a secret weapon kept just for something like this... Just as the snowballs get close, a team of trained beavers jump into action. Each snowball is returned by a whack of a flat beaver tail. Right back at you.

....THUMP.....

Plus another load from the catapults.

Oh by the way the beavers were team one. If you look at the rubber tarp you will find it cut to shreds by a team of Ninja crayfish. Watch out they pinch!

Looking up from the useless tarp you will see a sky full of snow balls heading your way....

Love, Tony

To: Tony

From: Tara

Sent: Wednesday, December 18, 1996

Re: Heads up

Ah‑ha! Foolish man in far away land!

I am prepared for your return fire. For you see I had plugged in the world's largest space heater up on the roof. Since it took a while to heat up, I had to use the tarp last time.

As the snowballs hurtle to Earth, they melt and turn into a softly falling rain.

As for the crayfish... well, let's just say I shouldn't have left the space heater on unattended. The roof caught on fire and the ropes holding the space heater burnt through. With a crash that reverberated off the lake the space heater came crashing down on the crayfish.

Valiantly attempting to ninja‑leap out of the way, the sheer girth of the world's largest space heater was too much for them. They were cremated on the spot. (Plus the damn heater melted all the snow in the area ‑‑ Oh, well, we have a blizzard moving into the area tonight.)

Heading your way....

By the way, reindeer aren't bright creatures. They assumed that since I'm Irish[-American], I have a running tab at every bar in the area (and there are approximately 527 independent bars in the Scranton area).

Well I told them that they could all buy drinks on me, but that there's not a working rest room anywhere in the state. I gave them directions to your place. HEADS UP.... Here comes a dozen (plus Rudolf) drunk reindeer with full bladders....

Love, Tara

P.S. I wouldn't use the paddle or beavers with this. It could be messy.

To: Tara

From: Tony

Date: Wednesday, December 18, 1996

Subject: Re: Heads up

Well looks like I don't have to do anything this time, just sit back and watch (with some amazement)... You've done it all yourself. Let’s see, you set fire to the roof, so much for a place to live.

Now about the crayfish, when the rain from the snow balls hit the space heater (sorry worlds largest space heater) it created a huge steam cloud, covering the whole area. The crayfish got away by diving into the lake (melted by the heat from the you-know-what) and quickly out again on the other side. What you thought was them was just some sticks and leaves on the ground.

For you see the space heater (worlds largest) has now fallen into the lake and shorted out. Zap! So much for the fish, they were electrocuted. But that is not all for you see that between the immense heat and the electricity all of the water in the lake has been vaporized. This with the snow that was already on the ground has resulted in a rapidly rising damp air mass. Can we say thunderstorm (worlds largest); can you say tornado (really big!)? The crayfish are running as fast as they can, dodging lightning and grabbing on to the ground to keep from getting sucked in.

However your neighbors' houses are not so lucky. Every structure around the lake is either fried by lightning (worlds largest) or blown down by the winds (worlds fastest), or smashed by hail stones (worlds biggest) or sucked up buy the tornado (worlds suckyest).

Luckily, due to the cold weather and the fact that the space heater was so short lived the storms die down quickly. Now all you neighbors, (or is it county) are heading your way. Well at least the tar will be hot and you look good in feathers.

Oh but that's not the last of it, through a combination of the bad weather (worlds craziest) your directions (worlds worst) and being very (527 bars worth) drunk. Those reindeer are back and are now giving a new meaning to the name RAIN-(world's yellowest)-deer.

And this is some downpour (527 bars worth)! The lake will be overflowing in moments, now there is a flood. To add to the horror one should not drink and fly. Some of the reindeer have crashed into the few standing trees and structures, exploding like overfull water balloons (those 527 bars worth full bladders). Looks like Santa maybe flying a little short this year.

Let’s see how the score stands, you've, single-handedly, turned the countryside into a smashed, yellow-flooded, reindeer-bit-covered disaster area. You have a nice coat of tar and feathers and Santa may not be making his deliveries do to a shortage of reindeer.

Well some good news: due to the bad weather (courtesy of Tara, world’s biggest tar and feathered klutz), the return I had set into motion timed to arrive now has been delayed, possibly to next round. Which is just as well, as it may be the only source of fresh water for miles around.

Love, Tony

P.S.: The crayfish are back only slightly cooked, swearing that we are crazy.

NEWSPAPER CLIPPING:

Bizarre series of disasters have struck a large section of PA.

A series of disasters have struck a large area of PA near Scranton. Everything from bizarre weather, loss of power, riots over bar closings and unheard of attacks by deer population have left a large section of PA under Marshall Law. In Just one day the world seems to have turned upside down. Some are saying the end of the world is coming early. One report blames all the disasters on some strange feathered woman. Here are summaries of some of the reports from this devastated area.

Electric Power To Be Down For Months - The whole power distribution system around Scranton was destroyed today by a massive power surge. So powerful was the surge that over a hundred miles of power lines have been vaporized, substations have melted down and most of the generators have fused solid. One power company official stated, “It was like someone had plugged in the world’s largest space heater and then shorted it out.” It is estimated that it will take months before minimal power is restored to all customers, and a year before all the destroyed equipment is replaced. It looks like dark ages ahead.

!!! Weather Turns Wild !!! - Out of nowhere a massive thunderstorm appeared and flattened a section of land 50 miles in diameter around Chapman Lake. One weather man was heard to say, “It was like it rose right out of the ground, like someone had vaporized a whole lake with the world’s biggest space heater.” The resulting massive lightning, huge hailstones (“the size of beach balls”) and tornadoes have fried, smashed or torn up every thing around the lake. None of the locals could be found for comment. It seems they were out chasing something covered in tar and feathers. The massive and sudden warm front has melted all the snow in area of 4,000 square miles. Looks like it won’t be a White Christmas this year.

Massive Flood of Yellow Water - The Chapman Lake area was hit by a massive flood of yellow water. This water strangely enough is said to smell strongly of liquor, and some hunters say deer. It is assumed that the water is undrinkable. Because of this, all local drinking water is to be assumed contaminated and dangerous to drink. The National Guard is trying to ship in drinking water to the devastated areas.

Over 500 Local Bars Close Do To Lack Of Stock; Local Don't Know How They Will Deal With In‑Laws – It looks like it will be a dry holiday in upper PA. Bar owners say that reindeer have “drunk them dry” the cost going on one person’s tab. It is feared that if this person can’t cover the massive tabs at all of the bars, these bars will go bankrupt and close for good. At the very least there will be no spirits for the holiday. Without the holiday spirits, most locals can’t face their families. Local police are gearing up for a record number of shootings this holiday season.

Exploding Reindeer Attack Residents - Strange reports have come in of reindeer flying drunkenly into local structure and exploding in a great burst of yellow fluid and reindeer bits. So far, due to the other disasters in the area, these reports remain unconfirmed.

Santa May Call Off Christmas Deliveries; Children Go into Depression - A supposed report from Santa Claus states due to the condition of his reindeer he will be unable to make his deliveries this year. It seems some of the deer are so drunk that there is no way they will be sober in time. And if they were, the hangovers would be incapacitating. The rest of the reindeer seem to have exploded in some bizarre accidents. Children, upon hearing this, have gone on hunger strikes, resulting in a crash of the breakfast cereal market. The toy market has also been hit. It may be years before the economy recovers.

Strange Feathered Woman Chased by Hunters - A report of a strange creature that is said to be covered with feathers and smell strongly of tar is being hunted by residents in the disaster area. When pressed for a statement one of the torch-carrying locals stated that THAT thing was the cause of all the strange events in the area. When asked if it was supposed to be the devil, the local said, “No, just a klutz.” It is clear the mental health of the locals has been affected by all that they have been through.

In wrapping up to deal with of these bizarre happenings, the National Guard of three States have been called in and Marshall law declared. One can only hope that nothing more will go wrong. It would take the biggest klutz in the world to make it worse.....

To: Tony

From: Tara

Sent: Wednesday, December 18, 1996

Subject: RE: Heads up

Guess what! Since one of my neighbors (the one with the feathers) had a video cam and filmed all this. The neighborhood won the grand prize: “America's Funniest Home Video of the Decade.” The award was so large I was able to have all my neighbors sent to Florida or the Bahamas as their homes are being rebuilt and re-landscaped.

As for the yellow lake, with the dropping temperatures in PA, it'll be frozen by daybreak. And with the blizzard arriving overnight, it'll all look fresh, clean and white by this time tomorrow.

To top all this off, my ACME MOUNTAINTOP FULL OF SNOW THROWER just arrived in the mail. I wedge this small thing in a crack in one of the many mountains. Push a button and 'CLICK' the thrower expands to the width of the mountain. Then, after enough snow has fallen, I hit the little red button that says, "Don't push this unless you really, Really, REALLY, RRREEEAAALLLYYY mean it!" TWANG!

The mountain top is projected in your direction, held in the grip of the snow thrower, and what's not attached (snow, cars, a few people and animals) come hurtling your way!

HEADS UP!!!!

Love, Tara

To: Tara

From: Tony

Date: Thursday, December 19, 1996

Subject: Re: Heads up

My jaw drops open, the crayfish scurry for cover, she's done it again... Tara, the disaster that walks...

You are taking a whole mountain and throwing it at me, stopping the mountain suddenly so that all that is not attached comes heading my way. I thought this was supposed to be a snow ball fight; people and cars are not included. You are not winning any brownie points with PA by throwing its citizens and their belongings around. But this isn't going to be the worst of it.

You see those mountains, how do you think they got there? You in the back... Right! The earth moved; massive earth quakes were needed to raise the mountains. Now what do you think throwing one is going to do? The one in green... Yup, I'd say about 6.7 on the Richter Scale. Well, what ever was left standing in northern PA just got shaken down. Congratulations, I think this is the first earth quake in that part of the country since the founding of the US.

By the way, do you know why rockets are launched toward the east? (The crayfish are arranging to evacuate aquatic life from PA.) It’s so they can get a boost from the rotation of the earth. They don't need as much thrust to achieve orbit. Well the denser and more streamlined of the mountain covering is doing just that.

I can see the insurance reports now. “I was just driving down the road, the next thing I know the space shuttle pulled out in front of me.” Most of the cars, people, and houses are going where few have gone before... Tara Trek!

The other stuff, mostly snow dirt and trees goes high but does not quite make it. It falls back, the atmosphere slowing its return. It returns to earth. But while it has been flying around, the Earth has moved below it... in an eastwardly direction... see where I'm heading? Lookup, you will see where your mountain is heading... right down on you!

But before it arrives, remember the thing I said had been delayed due to your weather? Well it did manage to come through. A delivery man comes to you with a small box and asks you to sign for the delivery. After you finished, you very carefully open the box.

Inside is a snow ball and a note. The note says more behind you. You turn around just in time to see the three truckloads of snow balls dumped on top of you. (The delivery people get the hell out of there, led by a few frantic crayfish.)

Of course being buried under snow balls may not be that bad. You are safe from any locals (who can still walk), that might be hunting you. But that they are not the real problems.

Remember all those reindeer you had blown up or otherwise incapacitated for over a year? Well... there are a lot of very mad and very sexually frustrated does looking for you. Being under that snow isn't so bad now is it?

But wait! There's more! Remember the yellow rain? Remember it smelt strongly of liquor? Well that's because it was mostly alcohol (500+ bars worth). Now take quartz and iron glass created by the lightning, shake together hard (the earthquake) we get sparks! Yup, your lake has exploded and a lot of the surrounding land has burst into flames. Since a lot of the alcohol had soaked into the ground we have geysers of flame all over the place. Northern PA will be burning for weeks. No White Christmas now. Now the snow is keeping your feathers from getting burnt.

But wait, THERE'S MORE!! The does that were looking for you were flying low over the area looking for you when the earthquake struck and the place turned into the world’s largest rotisserie oven. Once more the snow protects you, this time from being pelted to death by hot, well done reindeer steaks.

When they have stopped falling, you might want to stay under a little longer for now by the mountain-load of stuff you sent up has arrived. The hot air and alcohol vapor is compressed and forced out through the sides. A ring of flame sprays out vaporizing the snow for hundreds of miles. The Independence Day aliens are envious; so much for a White Christmas in the northeastern part of North America. All that is left is a small mound of snow with guess who inside. Hint: she smells like tar, looks like feathers.

By the way flying reindeer might be extinct. We don't know if any of the does survived.

Well I have to go help with the disaster relief effort for PA. I hear that the state will be quarantined. Every one is afraid of whatever is causing these events from getting out (is being a klutz contagious?). I will try to send you a news report. Try to stay out of trouble.

Love, Tony

NEWSPAPER CLIPPING:

More Weirdness in PA; Bizarre Events Spreading

Not only have more previously unheard of events hit upper PA, but now the area of weirdness is spreading even to earth orbit. Here are summaries of some of the more interesting events. At this point, the reports of a massive earthquake, lakes exploding into flame, massive rings of fire and the sky falling (again) don't even get a yawn.

Mountain Jumps - A mountain on the edge of the area of the bizarre events was reported to jump into the air. Witnesses (though we don’t understand why anyone would be anywhere near this crazy land) reported that the mountain leapt into the air shaking off all of its covering. Houses, cars, people, deer, snow; everything went flying. One local was heard to state “The hills are alive! And they itch!”

Manna Tastes Like Venison - A Scranton, PA area local, who had been pinned under rubble for over 24 hours, had been has been found. The man kept from starving by eating what he called “Manna from Heaven. I was so hungry and cold, I though I would die when suddenly the earth shook the sky lit up and then bits of manna fell from the sky.” The lucky survivor stated. “It was just like fresh roasted venison, very tender.” Meanwhile, most local restaurants (those with a roof) are selling steaks cheap.

Space Shuttle Hit by Volkswagen - The space shuttle had to end its mission early when it was struck by a woman driving a Volkswagen. The woman complained that the shuttle didn't signal as it was passing. Police forces are still trying to write up the accident report.

Massive Crayfish Migration - A massive exodus of crayfish from the affected area has been reported. These usual shy critters appear to be leaving any way possible. It has even been reported that several delivery trucks have been high-jacked by the fear-crazed crustaceans. In a possibly related report, people around the world who are making snow balls have been attacked by crayfish.

To: Tony

From: Tara

Sent: Thursday, December 19, 1996

Subject: RE: Heads up

The mound of snowballs shifts slightly. For a moment one feathered hand (smelling like tar) appears, as the top snowball is tossed aside.

The hand disappears back into the mound. A stick slowly rises in its stead a few minutes later.

Something white unfurls at its top. It looks like ‑‑ can it be? ‑‑ white bikini briefs. Can this strange feathered creature (that smells like tar) actually have been wearing underwear?

Anyway, the snow balls are freezing my rear end. How about getting a rescue squad out my way??? I’M COLD!!! I GIVE UP!!! OK!?

************************************************************************

~ESA (Tara)

PS: No people, animals, fictional characters beloved of children, homes, lakes, landscapes, or space shuttles were harmed in generating the above fictional work. :D