Lent - Day 3

Today I took a vacation day from work. I had awaken early and had a wondrous surprise:

Snowfall!

Considering it was warm enough to wear a sweater or sweatshirt with no jacket outside, this was indeed a pleasant surprise. We've had such a shortage of snowfall this year, that even those that hate shoveling miss it.

I harvested the last of my Farmville crops this morning to go into another hiatus from the addicting (and distracting) game. I then started to poke about the virtual farm, arranging and re-arranging things like a doll-house for grown ups. It wasn't until the fourth time the system crashed that I got a clue. There was something I was missing...

Outside lay a golden opportunity; one that was rare this winter. That was helping my neighbors shovel. How often have I allowed myself to be distracted and missed these golden opportunities?

One of the lessons I've learned earlier this morning points directly to this. I've been asked to stop multi-tasking while I am talking with people or working on something. I must admit, even my prayers would be done via multi-tasking, such as I would say grace while setting up to eat or say my morning prayers as I stumbled through the apartment half-asleep to the bathroom. Not very respectful. 

Not only is this how I miss many opportunities, I AM being disrespectful, to God, to Yeshua (Jesus) and to all others. I need to step away from the distractions and really start give 100% of my attention to what is around me, and who is around me, what they say and what they need. I may regret I can not stand before a full church and preach, nor even afford to go on mission trips. Yet there are countless opportunities to help so many people in my life - everyday.

Today begins with shoveling; I tugged on my snow boots and grabbed the shovel. Our steps and walkway, as well as those of our elderly neighbors, are now clear and liberally sprinkled with salt. My husband went out and cleared off the cars as well.

Who knows what else there may be when we set the computer and cell phone aside, shut off the radio and TV and just observe, just listen. 

It's a beautiful day.

I plan to make the most of it.

Carpe Diem. :D

~ ESA

Lent - Day 2

On Wednesday, I left some stuff to do at work. I promised I would get to work early Thursday and get them done before the boss got there. I left an hour early, but I didn't get there early.

Instead I was given an opportunity to help someone. On the walk to work, another woman walked up to me and asked directions to a place I haven't heard about before. She was on her way to work and had just gotten off the bus. She knew it was off this particular road. Unfortunately the road was a few short blocks down in one direction (which I knew well) and then stretched 16 miles (26 km) in the other direction.

After realizing we would not find the place talking about it and this woman may have to walk several miles to reach her destination. I offered to get my car and drive her. After all, I really didn't need to be at work for another hour.

We walked back to my apartment complex and got into my old Jeep. I joked about the rust spots and radio that doesn't play; she commented that I was fortunate to have a car at all. She takes the bus whenever she needs to get someplace. We drove all the way down the road and back, missing the turn at first pass. On the way, we pointed out the bus stop locations so we would know the closest one to her new workplace.

On the way back, though, she suddenly suggested I turn up another road. To our surprise, while we didn't find the road we needed, we found the public bus waiting between runs. In fact, it was the same bus driver that dropped her off. He scolded the woman for getting into the car with a stranger. She pointed out that until she got onto his bus that morning, he was a stranger too. So he conceded the point.

Upon hearing that we still could not find this place, he looked up directions on his cell phone and walked over to my Jeep to pass them onto me. I recognized the streets and turns and could figure out from there where this place was. Needless to say, she got to work on time, as well as I did.

There were three Good Samaritans that day. Not only did I help the woman, she helped me by giving me an opportunity to help another. Our mutual help also inspired the bus driver who could have simply said "No, I don't know," and closed the door in her face. Instead, he got out his phone to help us find this place.

One good deed does inspire others.

~ ESA

Lent - Day 1

I guess I'm off to a slow start with both Lent as well as the blog. I'll add a few posts this morning to "catch up" with the blog. Lent traditionally begins with Ash Wednesday. It also marks the start of my personal 40-day fast.

We planned to attend a 12:15 Mass where I would take a slightly longer lunch break from work and meet him at the Church. This old mare stumbled out of the starting gate. I had completely forgotten and ate a few pieces of bread and butter for breakfast, as well as a handful of peanuts late in the morning.

Then I heard a reminder over the radio, where they mentioned Ash Wednesday. I told myself I needed to remember to go to church. My alarm went off at Noon, but I continued to do what I was working on "to finish one more thing." That one thing became another, and another. Next thing I know, Mass is about to start and I was already late.

I called my husband as I dashed out the door. He was still at home, cooking lunch and as oblivious as I was that it was Ash Wednesday. We met at the church and walked in to Mass together.

While I was there, a thought had occurred to me. While I botched it the first few hours, there was still a long run ahead of me. This stumble is not the end; it's a greater challenge at the start.

And I am not alone; Yeshua (Jesus) is with me. I had a cute image shared, where Yeshua lifts up a younger sibling so they could reach the cookie jar high on the shelf. It's something a big brother would do for those He loves.

Where will Lent take me on the journey this year? I don't know. But with Yeshua at my side, it will be something wonderful.

Maybe there will be cookies too.

~ ESA :D

Confession

I realized that Yeshua (Jesus) wants me reconciled with the Church. While I go Sunday's, I've not participated in other aspects. Confession within the church was one. This was a step I needed to take. I did go to Confession two weekends ago, but I have been remiss in sharing it.

I was still nervous that Saturday. I had prayed many times for guidance. It came via my husband. We talked a long time about why I have such a grudge against the Church. Unlike many who have been vocal against the Church, it's not the sex scandals with the Catholic priests. Some grudges have to do with the exclusion of women in the priesthood, perhaps dating back to my day when girls could not serve on the altar as they do now. But this morning, I have realized much of what I know of the Church stems from many years of Catholic school and a strict Catholic upbringing where I was forced to follow customs and observances with very little insight as to why they were done. I was simply told, because this is what we believe and what we do. Period. 

It's no wonder I rebelled and walked away once I reached adulthood.

When we got to church, I prayed again before getting in line. When I got into line at the confessional, I wasn't quite sure of the procedure. Instead of a line along one wall, there was a cluster of people sitting or kneeling in the pews near the confessional lights: a white light and a red light. So, checking my growing nervousness, I asked one of the women sitting there if she was waiting for Confession or for the Mass which was to begin right after. When she admitted she was waiting for Confession, I mentioned that I wasn't too familiar with how things were done and - sheepishly - admitted it's been 23 years since my last Confession. She smiled broadly and said, "Wow! Welcome back!" and then went over some things I needed to know.

I was told I was lucky for this particular priest was "easy." I am still not sure if she meant that he was easy to talk to or didn't give strict penance after the confession. While this woman was my age, there was another young woman, perhaps 14 - 16 years of age, that overheard our conversation. She added what she knew of the process. She mentioned that she prefers the face-to-face confession.

Face-to-face???

We told her confessional experiences from the old days, including my last time. The priest would sit in a box the size of a very small coat closet, no bigger than the door in width and only deep enough for a small wooden seat and his legs. Those who went to confession would go behind a dark heavy curtain, through which all others in line could hear the whispers of your confession. The room behind the curtain was VERY dark, it was akin in size to the priest's box. There was a wooden or cushioned kneeler (place where one would kneel) on either side adjacent the priest's box. When the confessional was vacated, the next in line would enter, draw the curtain closed behind them and kneel in the dark facing a metal mesh screen with a wooden panel between the screen and the priest. Some had a candle or tiny electric light over the Act of Contrition prayer taped to the wall beside the metal screen. But the light was covered in such a way that the light only shone down directly on the words. The rest of the tiny room was pitch blackness.

There the penitent would wait. One could hear the whispers of the priest and the one currently confessing their sins on the other side of the priest. It could be a long wait or a very short one. You never knew. You could also hear the shuffle of impatient feet outside the curtain sometimes. You waited... Not knowing... Wondering... Trying to remember everything you came to confess...

Then there was a sudden scrape of wood against metal sliders as the priest slid open the window on your side. You did not see a face. If your eyes were good, you might make out a silhouette through the metal bars of the screen. But mostly it was a dark prison cell; you were essentially in hell.

Some priests listened in silence, which made it seem all the more disapproving of your presence and the things you said. Others would sigh or make *tsk tsk* noises at you. I guess these were to make one ashamed of their sins and turn the person away from such behavior. It made me loathe to go to Confession. I found much more love, acceptance and "You can do better; take hold of my hand, and you can go beyond this" from confessing directly to Yeshua.

But I was told by the elder woman, things are much different now. Before she went in, she jokingly added that she's glad that she's ahead of me: less time to wait. I smiled and thanked her for her help. When she came out I jokingly quipped, "You didn't have to rush on my account." She smiled and laughed.

Then it was my turn.

They had built the new confessional at this church about a decade ago to accommodate handicapped people. Instead of the tiny boxes along the wall of the church, this was a short hallway off the church, nice and wide for a wheelchair. At the start, there were the two lights mentioned above. Red for occupied; white for available. At the other end of the hallway, there was a door to the left and a large window to the right. This was a plain glass window that looked out on the bushes and lawn outside the church, it was comforting. I swallowed, took hold of the doorknob and opened the door.

The room was the size of my home office - it wasn't this tiny box that I expected at all. About two-thirds of the way down the room, there was this wall-type partition that went halfway across the width of the room. On my side of the wall, there was a modern kneeler and metal screen with a white cloth covering it to conceal the priest sitting behind it. There no longer was the whispered conversations, the priest was simply waiting for me alone.

Instead of the dark room, all in the room was brightly lit where one could easily read. There was even flowers on either side of the kneeler. In the far corner, there was also a chair that one could sit in and face the priest. It looked comfortable, more as one would expect in a counselor's office rather than a confessional. 

I stood there for a moment, undecided what to do beyond simply closing the door behind me. Part of me wanted to bolt through the door and let the next one in instead. I don't know if the priest even realized I was still standing beside the door. He simply began the traditional prayer that started the confession ritual similar to when I was a small girl. Following tradition more than thought, I raced over the kneeler and knelt down. 

I started "Forgive me, Father, it has been 23 years since my last confession." I was about to recite all I was prepared to say, but I was interrupted. The priest actually started a conversation with me, starting with "Wow! Welcome back!" I smiled because that was the same response as the woman in line. 

Instead of sticking to the hidebound traditional confession, we actually started having a conversation. I told him why, after all this time, I decided to go back to confession. I mentioned that Yeshua - Jesus - wanted me to go back and reconcile with the Church. He didn't react as though this was strange. I mentioned some of the reasons I had grudges against the Church and the priest freely admitted the Church makes many mistakes in the 2,000 years it's been around. We are all human and not perfect.

I also mentioned that while I haven't been to confession at the church, I did confess directly to Yeshua. He was delighted that I continued to confess my sins and practice reconciliation in private at home. This surprised me and made me second-guess the concept the iron grasp of control the church wanted over people's lives. I also admitted to him that I've been stubborn and wrong to constantly hold on to these grudges over the years. It was in the past and I need to let go and move on, letting the grudges stay in the past. The priest admitted that in our lives, we all tend to think we have learned enough and want our independence, but years later we come back knowing there is still wisdom we can learn from our elders.

I did confess that I've lied as well as other things I have regretted. Then it was time for the priest to determine what would be my penance. This was the part I dreaded. What would be the sentence handed down for all the years away from the church, for all the sins I have committed since then? He simply told me to gaze upon the cross at the front of church and tell Yeshua, "Thank you for your Love." What? That's it??? No litany of prayers. No 100 rounds of the rosary? (I even had my rosary beads with me.) Just 10 statements, that I am thankful for His Love?

When we wrapped things up and it was time for the final prayer, he asked if I wanted to say one of my own. But I guess I was still tradition bound and opted to read the age-old Act of Contrition of my youth. Though through it, I will admit, I was still pretty astounded with the simple request. Maybe I did get off easy... Too easy...

But then the  miraculous and beautiful moment came. Unexpected as it never before happened in Confession. There was a weight lifted from my heart / from my soul, that I did not even know was there. I had grown used to it. It was lifted as the priest said the closing blessing. I was released. Truly released of the past in a way I cannot describe. It was lightening and beautiful. This wasn't punishment, it was release, reconciliation -- true FORGIVENESS. The past was truly released and gone.

On the way out of the confessional, the women who helped me before gave me the thumbs up and I returned it with a smile. I even suspect that perhaps she said a prayer for me as well. Then I noted that my face was wet. I was crying.

Since then, I admit I have lied (twice), and let a bit of laziness get the better of my actions. But for the most part, I'm doing OK. I'm still learning to get over the past grudges, but the dam of resistance is now cracked and crumbling. I also feel so very free.

Released of the past,
I can make a better future.
~ ESA

Period of Renewal and Growth

Lent is often a time of preparation, a time of denial or fasting, and a time of prayer. Often we may do some aspect of this and not know why. Part of my own Lenten practices stem from the following understanding; what I refer to as the Tripod of Growth:

There are three things that will help someone grow in Spirit and Soul. These are prayer, fasting and good works. Like three legs of a tripod, they must work together in harmony and balance; too much of one or not enough of another and the whole thing will fail.

Prayer is the direct communication between humanity and God. It's not a one-way monologue, as God does communicate to us even if only our Spirit can understand it. Nor should prayer be a wish list; we need to be open and ready to change and guidance for the help we request.

Fasting does not only mean to refrain from eating or to not eat certain foods. In a broader context, fasting means abstinence (an act or practice of refraining from indulging an appetite) or a period of such abstention or self-denial. In essence, we refrain from something in our life as a means of self-discipline. It is often associated with something we enjoy, food being the most common, but also TV, internet, etc. But it can also be abstaining from something we revile about ourselves, such as lying, cheating or procrastination. When we take on the challenge of self-discipline, our strength to resist temptation grows.

Good Works are anything we can do to help another in this world. This is the daily exercise that strengthens a soul, and is the most difficult leg to develop. Often we are tempted to illustrate the good works that we've done, but that only deflates the value or our efforts as they become self-serving. The best way to accomplish personal growth, is to act anonymously or in such a way that as few people as possible know who is doing these works. The good works need to stand on their own merit without our shouting about it or putting a spotlight on it.

If it's a true good work, the act, deed, word or work WILL stand on its own. Others will see it or the results and KNOW "this is a good thing." If we can step away from it and let it shine without others recognizing us for the effort, we grow inside.

This is often best accomplished through humility. When we humbly serve another, seeking nothing for ourselves, something grows within us, opening us up to greater awareness and ways we can perform even greater works. But if we seek this greater awareness and ways first, we will only find self-pride, deception, corruption and lies, and we will be led astray by these.

This is why prayer and fasting are needed, one as a guide to the right path, the other to strengthen the shield of our defense so we are not so easily led astray.

It's a tricky path.
But worth it.
Always.

-ESA