Womanhood Day

This week's TV and radio have mentioned Mother's Day non-stop ~ at least it seems that way to me.

Mother's Day has become a Blessing and a curse. On one hand I am fortunate enough to have my mother and god-mother still alive. (My dad passed away years ago; I haven't seen my god-father since my Baptism as an infant.)

On the other hand, my only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage that hemmoraged so badly I nearly lost my life. Several years later, I was told it would be life-threatening to get pregnant again. Within a year, malformations and growths led to a complete hysterectomy. My "ovaries" are now a daily chemical through my skin; half my vagina is gone. I couldn't feel less like a mother.

We tried to adopt, for we love kids and wanted to share our lives with them. At $25,000-$50,000 per child, standard adoption was beyond our means.

We worked with DCF, as they cover the adoption costs. We planned to adopt an older child or sibling group, as many are left behind when parents desire an infant. We reached the point where they see the place the kids would reside. We cannot afford a large enough space to meet DCF's requirements. :*(

We are still in that tiny apartment, and my nieces and nephews have grown up. There's no more visitors to steal the freshly-baked cookies, ask for help with their homework, or invite us to their school show.

In short, while I wish all the mothers out there a Happy Mother's Day, my heart goes out to mothers-that-cannot-be.

Some women hurt each time we hear how "motherhood is the epitome of being a woman" or that "motherhood is God's greatest calling for a woman." Perhaps it is for SOME women, but not all.

God also created women who cannot be mothers, for one reason or another. God's plans for these women are no less important.

So on this festive weekend celebrating a fertility that I will never have, I wish to all my sisters out there:

HAPPY WOMANHOOD DAY!

There is a LOT more to being a woman than just being able to raise children.

~ ESA

Celebrate from the Start

Often there are protests against abortion and attempts to make it illegal. Instead of "thou shalt not," what if religious organizations, instead, focused on celebrating life with ceremonies from the start? In this time where we globally celebrate the birth of Christ and the start of a new year, perhaps we should see how our religious communities, or even just friends and family, can celebrate the steps toward creating a family.

We can have ceremonies surrounding the parents - BOTH parents, when possible - during the period leading up to the arrival of the child for both pregnancies and adoptions.

There are highs and lows in both; worries and questions abound. But when we mark the steps with a ceremony, shared with a community, we are encouraged as we go.

One of the series I read has a "dead rabbit" party as a major cultural celebration. The whole community of friends and family not only celebrate the news, but also pledge their support to help the couple and this new child - from the moment the couple knows of its existence. Noting the first ultrasound and start of the second and third trimesters are also good points, as that marks the development and vitality of the child.

Celebration points for adoption can be:

• The approval of the perspective parents to adopt,
• Getting a place prepared for the new arrival,
• The first time a child gets to spend the night,
• When the child is officially cleared for adoption,
• The official court adoption, and
• When the child calls you mom/dad.

While many may not want to hear the news, almost 80% of first pregnancies end in a miscarriage. And the first successful pregnancy is no guarantee for those to follow. Sometimes the parents may not even know there is a pregnancy. Sometimes "viable embryos" do not survive. It is something that should not be swept under the rug. 

If they want to affirm that life exists before birth, religious organizations should also have a ceremony for miscarriages, as they have funerals for those who die after birth. It not only marks the loss in a meaningful way, it helps the parents and the community better deal with the grief.

When my husband and I miscarried, friends and families didn't know what to say or do, so no wanted to talk about it. Our church's only "support" was a suggestion to "try again." Four years later, we had to create our own ceremony (described here) to help us say goodbye, especially after we received news that we would never be able to have a biological child...

A ceremony for aborted as well as miscarried children says more than any picket sign. Not every one that is aware of a pregnancy may have agreed to its termination.

To truly show the Christian spirit, forgive the decision makers and invite them to the ceremony too.

"Miscarriages" can happen during adoption processes too. Not every adoption process started ends in an adoption.

My sister has gone through many steps in adopting a girl. Her family went through the approval process, had the girl spend the summer with them, and spoke to her via Skype at least weekly since. Then the adoption "fell through" just before the final plans were made for the girl to share Christmas with them.

Adoptive parents welcome a child into their hearts well before the child ever steps foot into their homes. When an adoption does not work out, there is a loss as keen as parents who have a miscarriage or have a child die.

Sometimes the simplest of ceremonies can help the adoptive parents through that loss as well, especially when the ceremony helps them realize that they are not alone... that they have a community to help support them.

Good and bad, we can commemorate the new additions to our lives.

Mark the steps.

Celebrate

Support

~ESA