Song of Silence

 It's been a long while since I blogged. Some asked me why on Twitter. One time a poem came as reply, which I share with my readers.

 

 

Lately, and the reason I've been offline
I've been working through trials at this time
Chronic pain, hard to move from bed
But I still thank God for my daily bread

I can telecommute in my role
But being away does have a toll
After seven years of increased cost
And no raise; my savings are lost

Combined, for a time
Joy was smothered too
That is why I didn't tweet
Or talk to any of you
But I kept praying
God does not leave us alone
Fire is rekindled
Song still inside has a home

There is still pain
Financial trouble too
But Spirit sings inside
So I know what to do

I sing when I am happy
Pray when I am sad
Reach out to others
Who never have had

 

For in my trials
One thing I did learn
Others suffer too
For God they do yearn
But in this world
God seems hard to find
That's why we must be
Compassionate and Kind

For when another struggles
To find God in the stormy woe
God reaches through us
To let His Light and Love show

 Like precious metals
That go through the fire
When we keep eyes on God
Our trials lift us higher

You are right
God shares our tears
And gives Joy
In place of our fears

Little steps we make
In this world wide
God smiles at our efforts
And takes much bigger stride
:D

~ ESA

Sing God's Praise

A couple of months ago, I read in someone's email: "When it comes to martyrdom, I'm a card carrying member of Cowards Unlimited. I don't relish the idea of physical pain. The dentist is bad enough, but martyrdom is something else. Jesus warned His followers of terrible tribulation in the end times. Many Christians believe that the church will be raptured before it happens.

"Frankly, I don't believe that. I don't think the Scripture teaches it. Of course, I might be wrong. Believe me, I want to be wrong. I don't feel like hanging round and being “tribulated.” However, the fact remains, should Jesus ever require you and me to be crucified, how will we react? My prayer is that He will strengthen me to accept it as from His loving hand. I don't think there is any other way."

At which point, the following poem streamed from my fingertips whole-cloth. It is past time I shared it with my readers.

When times of trouble
Come flowing our way
Many of Faith will look
For Blessed Rapture Day
But what if, at that time
Lord Jesus asks us to stay?

There are two Witnesses
Called to stay behind
And share the Truth that
Others could not find
For many repentant hearts
Is what GOD has in mind

Before that final period
As in the words you give
Comes the time of Martyrs
Brightness shining thru a sieve
But what if during this time
Request is not to die, but live?

There are many in the world
Who suffer acute chronic pain
There is no cure, no correction
No hope being pain-free again
Tho they pray and have Faith
Their agony is still the same

 Yet, these chronic sufferers
Are also bright points of Light
They keep their eyes on GOD
Tho in agony day and night
It is through their example
They bring others some delight

For through their days of pain
Their tears are more than few
They still sing God's praises
For all they are still able to do
Not a minute or movement is
Taken for granted by them too

While some may die Martyrs
In one of many horrible ways
There are also chronic pains
For some all of their days
No matter what our life holds
May we always sing God's praise!!

~ ESA

Letter from Christ

This was passed on to me via email, and I wanted to share it with my readers as we celebrate Love this Valentine's Day week. :D
~ESA
_________________________________________________________________

Dear Humanity, 

I miss you; I want you near me once again. 

Your LORD isn't one that enjoys punishing the wicked; your LORD doesn't like to hold his hand back and see you weep.

Your LORD wants to watch over you as a young mother bird would watch over her baby birds; I want to be called your Salvation, your Deliverer.

I want your eyes to look Heavenward and jump for joy when you hear the trumpets sound. I want you to be sure in where you stand -- not guessing.

I don't care how many tears I shed; if they end yours then I'll cry a thousand times. I've looked over your bad times and good. I've cried with you; I've even laughed by your side.

Time is running short, and I want you near me once again. I take no pleasure in punishing and leaving you behind; nor do I enjoy knowing you're in pain and I can stop it.

I've fought for you and defended you many times; when I died naked on the cross it was because I love you. 

I still love you, you are GOD'S Creation; His Spirit is within you.

Don't tremble when I draw near; instead open wide. Let me hold you and embrace you in my arms. 

I love you.

~Yeshua (a.k.a. Jesus)

Womanhood Day

This week's TV and radio have mentioned Mother's Day non-stop ~ at least it seems that way to me.

Mother's Day has become a Blessing and a curse. On one hand I am fortunate enough to have my mother and god-mother still alive. (My dad passed away years ago; I haven't seen my god-father since my Baptism as an infant.)

On the other hand, my only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage that hemmoraged so badly I nearly lost my life. Several years later, I was told it would be life-threatening to get pregnant again. Within a year, malformations and growths led to a complete hysterectomy. My "ovaries" are now a daily chemical through my skin; half my vagina is gone. I couldn't feel less like a mother.

We tried to adopt, for we love kids and wanted to share our lives with them. At $25,000-$50,000 per child, standard adoption was beyond our means.

We worked with DCF, as they cover the adoption costs. We planned to adopt an older child or sibling group, as many are left behind when parents desire an infant. We reached the point where they see the place the kids would reside. We cannot afford a large enough space to meet DCF's requirements. :*(

We are still in that tiny apartment, and my nieces and nephews have grown up. There's no more visitors to steal the freshly-baked cookies, ask for help with their homework, or invite us to their school show.

In short, while I wish all the mothers out there a Happy Mother's Day, my heart goes out to mothers-that-cannot-be.

Some women hurt each time we hear how "motherhood is the epitome of being a woman" or that "motherhood is God's greatest calling for a woman." Perhaps it is for SOME women, but not all.

God also created women who cannot be mothers, for one reason or another. God's plans for these women are no less important.

So on this festive weekend celebrating a fertility that I will never have, I wish to all my sisters out there:

HAPPY WOMANHOOD DAY!

There is a LOT more to being a woman than just being able to raise children.

~ ESA

Purpose for Pain

I had a discussion with someone today, who thought that seeing a purpose for the chronic pain I experience was foolishness. While I disagree, it would be “foolish” to argue the point with him. Instead, I thought to share my insight on this blog.

First, pain makes us realize that something is wrong. Too often we try to alleviate the pain but do not look into the root cause of the problem, whether this is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain. So when there is pain, something needs to be soothed, but also fixed/corrected.

Second, pain is an opportunity to learn humility. Please understand I don’t imply that one needs to be put through pain or humiliation to “learn humility.” In our day-to-day struggle, we reach a point when we experience pain. When the pain becomes unbearable, we realize we do not have the resources alone to overcome the problem. We need to tell the ego, “You are not enough” and open ourselves to assistance. This calls for humility.

Third, pain presents a beautiful opportunity to pray. We can pray for the pain to subside, for comfort, for guidance, for healing. But even more important, when we admit to others that we need help, we open ourselves to become an opportunity for others to pray as well. Any connection to the Divine is a blessing to the soul, yours and others.

Forth, pain provides those around you an opportunity to do some good in the world. This can range from help at home, to help at work, to assistance from a stranger with lifting groceries into the car or holding open a door. Every bright moment helps create a better world.

Fifth, pain can also teach us to use our minds better. We can focus on the negative – the pain. Or we can use our mind to focus on positive images, prayers, meditation, healing, etc. It is something we can all learn. Research has shown that our mind / thoughts do directly affect our physical bodies and well being. Instead of focusing on the bad; we can learn to focus on the good.

Sixth, I found that I needed to learn how to accept healing, prayers and blessings from others. I needed to accept that I was worthy of both God's Love and theirs, and I had to learn how to open myself to these. This, I admit, I am still trying to learn. There have been many stumbling blocks I’ve put down over the years. But, at last, they are starting to lift.

Seventh, it is a means through which I learn about and understand pain others in this world suffer. It is not a pleasant lesson, but it evokes a great amount of compassion and acknowledgment at the strength found in those who deal with pain over many years, especially those who cannot easily alleviate the pain.

Finally, I have also not let the pain go to waste; I lift the pain as an offering to others of this world. While I know I am not Christ, I am a Christian. I try to follow in His steps. I know He offered His own pain as an offering. While I am already experiencing pain, rather than self-inflicting or inflicting it on others, perhaps this suffering can be used to some good in this world. Even if it is something beyond my understanding...

~ ESA

Healing

Some of you may have seen yesterday's tweets that I have no more pain. Some of those I've touched base with over my hiatus know some of what was going on. While I don't normally do so in this blog, I'd like to share with my readers what happened. This is a very real, and very personal experience.

Last summer, due to medical complications and high levels of pain from ovarian cysts and other issues with my reproductive organs, I had a full hysterectomy. While on the mend, I developed what many believe was the "routine" UTI (bladder infections) that follow a hysterectomy. I was given my dosage of anti-biotics and told to drink plenty of fluids, including sage use of cranberry juice.

The pain continued - and worsened - over the next few months. They kept giving me anti-biotics at increasing doses, even though the cultures were coming back negative. The doctors kept offering me pain killers, but I wanted to find out what was wrong, not just "be more comfortable." I went through a battery of tests and, finally admitting they had no clue, I was sent to a urologist. The cystoscopy, where they shove a pencil sized camera into my bladder was agony! I had no pain-killers at all in my system, and not even a "local" for the procedure. Despite what courage I could muster, I was howling with tears streaming down my cheeks every time I urinated for several weeks thereafter.

After more tests, the urologist finally diagnosed the problem: Interstitial Cystitis / Painful Bladder Syndrome (IC/PBS). While there are many possible ways to get this condition, mine was likely caused by the recent "trauma" to my bladder during the hysterectomy, where they had to "peel" the uterus from the bladder. It's also a condition that is often misdiagnosed, as mine had been, but not discovered for an average of FOUR YEARS!  I had mine discovered in three months, mostly because I kept insisting they find the issue and stop trying to give me pain meds to cover up the symptoms.

According to Wikipedia, it's a "chronic, oftentimes severely debilitating disease of the urinary bladder" and is officially recognized as a disability. While I wasn't about to leave work, I at least had the diagnosis and was ready for the cure.

There is none.

Apparently, this condition only worsens with anti-biotics, pain medications and a seven-page list (I wish I was kidding!) of foods, seasonings and other items that irritate a IC/PBS bladder. There was some bladder-friendly foods, though, and I needed to change my diet dramatically and promptly. This, unfortunately would mean months to soothe the bladder, and my diet would be an unhealthy high white-starch, low vegetable, no fruit diet. Yes, cranberry juice was at the top of the "Do not have" list, as was caffeine (even decaf), chocolate, fruits, spicy foods, and many other things I enjoy.

The diet commenced at the start of December; egg nog, Christmas cookies and chocolate were no longer on my list of edibles. In fact, with such a restricted list, plus having to run to restroom every 15-30 minutes to grit my teeth during frequent, painful urinations, I had to cancel all business travel as well. This condition was certainly disrupting my life. And I prayed each day to be healed. I still had to wait...

Starting in late January, while the pain was there but finally starting to ease, a new condition arose. My hands started to hurt, and the bones in my feet. Then my wrists and ankles hurt, feeling more and more like arthritis. I'm only 42! My knees took on a whole new kind of agony; in weeks I could no longer walk up and down stairs without taking it one step at a time while biting back cries of pain and clinging to the railing. Then my shoulders ached so I couldn't sleep at night. Finally my back and neck joined the chorus and I was in miserable agony all over.

I had no option of taking pain killers to alleviate any of this.

It was then that I reached out to some I know on Twitter, asking for their prayers as well. I needed help, and I was beginning to wonder if God was ever going to get me through this pain. Just a small doubt, but it was there. I needed my brothers and sisters to help me as my faith started to flag.

I have this image on a medallion around my neck. It's a constant reminder that I need to trust God. I need to trust Yeshua/Jesus. There was a plan in place and while I could not see it, I had to have a bit more faith.

It was discovered about a month later that the joint pain was caused by vitamin deficiency from my IC/PBS diet. Vitamin supplements were not allowed by the diet. I had a choice: break the diet by taking supplements or by eating prohibited food - both of which would cause more pain in the bladder. Either way I was in pain, but if I got rid of the joint pain, I could still work - heck! I could still WALK!

Given the body better absorbs vitamins via the food instead of supplements, I opted to re-introduce certain foods into the diet; this was a daily dose of orange juice. The vitamin-rich drink did wonders for easing the joint pain, but made me dread urination. It was a battle of what hurt more, urinating or the pain of a full bladder. The pain in my joints didn't disappear completely either, but I could still function at my desk job.

I continued to pray.

Ironically, white rice was on my "permitted foods" list, so I was able to have my 1-rice-ball-per-day-plus-dinner fast for the 40-day period of Lent. Near the end, I started to add a handful of peanuts to the rice ball as I started having tremors in my limbs. I continued the orange juice every-other day as daily hurt the bladder WAY too much to endure.

Then the day after Palm Sunday - the Monday of Holy Week - I was told to have some faith that all this pain would end soon. "Soon" is a relative term, my mind argued. So I was given something more specific. As it was around sunset that day, I was told give it one week - until sunset next Monday (day after Easter).

That Monday, I was still in pain. I had been "bad" on the diet, for I had eaten a few black jelly beans Easter Day, and added an even worse offense that morning: coffee so I could get through the very busy day ahead of me. My joints hurt from both the condition and scrubbing down the 10-burner kitchen stove at the church following the Sunrise Service breakfast. My knees were in agony anytime I needed to go up and down stairs and grumbled, popped, cracked and crackled as I walked. My hands hurt when I held a stack of paperwork or used the computer mouse too long. At the end of the day, I had also developed a vicious sinus headache that equaled a few migraines I've had. My left eye - my only good eye as I'm legally blind in the right - was squinted shut with the pain and sensitivity to light. My upper teeth ached, as I minced my way through dinner. Then I crawled into bed.

Through all this, I never forgot the promise that if I had even a little bit of faith in Him, that all this pain would go away. My mind argued, that if I was so bad with this diet, that if my joints still hurt so bad, plus this wicked headache on top if it all, how can I possibly be pain-free by sunset that day?

The words, "Trust me; just TRUST me," kept bouncing through my head. I lay in bed watching cartoons at low volume to try to distract my mind from the pain and quiet myself enough to sleep. I also prayed... and held on to the smallest scrap of faith I had left. My eyes closed to sleep just as the sun disappeared beyond the horizon.

The next morning I awoke to a wondrous surprise - no pain! At all! There was no pain in the full bladder; there was no pain urinating! I was still half-asleep so I didn't realize right away that there was also no pain in any of my body - joints, limbs, head - anywhere! It was truly and remarkably ALL gone!

Tuesday, I had three (3) cups of coffee and orange juice - no pain! I could go up and down stairs without any issue! In fact, I could plant one-foot-per-step rather than both-feet-per-step as I had done. By the end of the work-day, I was practically dancing up and down the stairs in the office building! I attended yoga that night, where my knees cracked loudly once but had their full range back like I had when I was 20! In fact - the whole day was entirely PAIN FREE!

Wondering if this was some fluke, I waited until Wednesday. Again - there was no pain - anywhere! No matter what I ate, I could pee pain-free! I cannot express the joy of that simple blessing after so many months of pain. That morning, I started to sing on Twitter!

Thursday, there was still no pain, my mobility and range feel as though I'm once again in my 20's. My heart SINGS with joy and I wanted to reach out and connect with as many brothers and sisters as possible. I told a few that I had no more pain, the ones that knew some of what I've been through.

Yesterday, one of them sent out a praise report - and rightly so. This is something very worthy of a Song to God. I had been truly delivered from pain; I've been healed. There is no science or other means I can explain this. I will go to the doctors with the report, but I should also share this story as well.

Miracles do happen

With little faith

Like a mustard seed

- ESA