The Shell (Poem)

This is a poem written a year ago after I tried to describe to someone what it was like being an outcast while I was growing up, and how it affects your ability to trust another. I rediscovered it this morning thumbing through my journal. I have a friend now going through something similar....

When the waters grow deeper
The world darkens before your eye
You reach and you search
Find nothing no matter how you try
+++
God's Light diminishes
As you hide behind that wall
Protect yourself from the darkness
With a wall strong and tall
+++
A knock at the door
A lance of pain sears
You lash out at the invader
As you fight off your tears
+++
The blow you make hits
But no matter how you try
The invader persists
Trying to make you cry
+++
A crack at the wall
Light floods inside
Fearing the unknown
Into the shadows you hide
+++
A hand reaches in
You lash out again
The hand is still there
Bloody and grim
+++
A gentle voice coaxes
Get out of that shell
Place your trust in Me
I will make you well
+++
Bewildered and frightened
You shrink back some more
Afraid heart and soul
Of the voice at the door
+++
The hand is still there
No harsh words are said
No scolding, no reprimand
No curse from the dead
+++
You place your hand
In the hand of the other
As you leave that shell
You may find a Brother

-ESA

A Little Prayer to Share (Poem)

Today I just wanted to share a special prayer:

Lord Jesus Christ,
I love You
With all my heart
All my spirit
All my soul

I thank you for Your Love
Your gentle patience
And ever-presence
At my side

I'm sorry for the times I've hurt You
And the times I've turned away from You
Even though You remained
Steadfastly at my side

Please help me keep my feet
On the path set before me
Until I can walk at Your side
Forever
In Your Glory

Amen

- ESA

Comforting Thought

This morning, instead of waking up early on a fantastically beautiful day and hauling our stuff out for the yard sale with the neighbors, my husband and I spent the morning in the local hospital's emergency room.

I remember how frightened I was this morning. I had a lot of pain, I had passed out around 5:30 AM, and I didn't know what was wrong. While I rode shotgun in my husband's van with a bucket on my lap in case the nausea was serious about what it threatened, I prayed.

My mind envisioned so many things ranging from just a lodged kidney-stone to an ectopic pregnancy about to rupture! Then amid the panic, pain and nausea, a clear thought cut through the chaos.

Either God will see me through this or He will see me home.

While some may consider this a tad morbid, I found it very comforting... I'm not alone no matter what happens. This actually calmed me down.

While I was still in pain, nauseous and dizzy, I was also able to joke a bit with the ER staff. With a smile or a chuckle, I was able to go through the battery of tests and get me home safe to recover. I'm glad they now have a replacement for the liquid barium to drink before the CT-Scan. That stuff was NASTY, and the nurse couldn't stop laughing every time I compared the stuff they had me drink to the "liquid sidewalk." :D

Never alone, no matter where we roam.
Safe in His arms.
Thanks!

- ESA

Archives (Poem)

I wanted to post this blog yesterday, but never got the chance until now. While gathering stuff for Saturday morning's yard sale, something I wrote many years ago came to mind. When I was tasked with organizing 75 years of archival items for a nursing home's anniversary celebration, I wrote the following poem:

Archives

When all the tomorrows
Become the yesterdays,
The shared laughter
Of long, long ago
Has become tears of loss,
And then faded away
To the dusty nothingness
Of the archives.

Photographs, files, notes
That were put aside
To make more room for
The coming todays,
That became yesterdays.
Now, they sit together
In the dusty nothingness
Of the archives.

One far-of, future day,
Someone will question
Of where, when and how
It all came to be.
They will open the door
And ask the residents
Of the dusty nothingness
Of the archives.

Treasured clutter of the past.
Memories that last.
Archives

-ESA

Little Blessing though the Pain

This afternoon, I had a pretty intense migraine while at work, the kind where light, sound, smells, touch and thinking HURTS. Even my GI tract was adversely affected. I still needed to get a counter-proposal letter and two invoices (short 10-day terms) out before leaving the office, and needless to say that was getting harder the longer my migraine lasted.

But I was also blessed in that I didn't have to go through this alone. While I was working through this headache, I had an online friend who kept me going with a blend of practical advice and teasing which helped keep my spirits up. He also listened to this overgrown baby's griping, which I do when not feeling well. :P

When we go through the trials and troubles of life (small like today or great), God also places in our lives something to help us through these times. Sometimes we're lucky that we see and acknowledge them. Sometimes we're blinded by our pain and suffering that we don't see them. There are even times we blindly walk by them without experiencing their benefit. :(

Today I'm glad I not only benefited from my friend's support, but also was fortunate enough to see it for the Blessing it was.

Whose life will you change with your words or works?
Whose little blessing can you be?
Be a friend.

- ESA

Layoffs --> Executive Bonus

I nearly missed writing today's blog, so in the minutes after midnight before I go for the night's sleep, I jot down the words I mean for this blog to keep.

A friend of mine called with some sad news. Like mine, the company where he works had layoffs this week. Unlike mine, his company could actually afford to keep all their employees. Here is what he told my husband and I....

The company where he's employed is doing well - profitable in fact, but just not as profitable as the executives had projected. So what did they do? They laid off employees without warning and told the remaining employees that everyone left would have to take a week's furlough -- unpaid / without using vacation days or any other paid time out. Why? This way the company can make it's projected gross earnings and the executives could all earn their bonuses.

How many out there find that wrong?

With the several thousands of dollars that these executives are going to receive, the company could have kept all those they laid off and never required the rest to cut their income. Who knows how this will affect the non-executive employees? How many will find it difficult putting food on the table as they struggle through their meager savings (or none at all) while they look for a new job in a very poor economy? How many will loose their home or car?

Did the executives that made this decision even CONSIDER this or were they so focused on the bottom line -- in filling their own bloated pockets and overinflated egos -- that they did not care for their fellow man?????

This isn't even some stranger in a foreign country or even different state - these were people who worked at the same place as those they canned. Maybe they just went right to their posh offices and the corporate structure is such that the people who were impacted the most never got to enter those posh offices with all the layers of management between them.

Where I work, the company's biggest customer filed for bankruptcy and we lost 90% of our revenue. We didn't have to let people go to boost our bottom line; we had to let people go so the company could survive. Granted, we are a smaller company, but we also care about our employees. We knew exactly how such a decision would impact them each personally... How one was facing issues with paying for a new deck as his existing one was being wretched away from his home due to ground settlement. We were thrilled when we heard from another that her other part-time job needed to give her more hours so things worked out for her. Both the President and founder (his dad) of our company have actually brought THEIR salaries down to $0 per month (no bonuses or dividends either) until the company starts to see significant profits again, which means nothing through the rest of this year and possibly well into next.

What a difference a leader makes.

Not all CEO's and executives are greedy bastards (excuse the language) but there are plenty who are. In these hard times, I've heard cases both heinous and noble. I pray that God guides many more hearts as we continue to struggle on a global scale to set the economy right. I know it's wrong to wish ill on anyone, even those we see as deserving it. So instead I will wish that the light shining from those noble acts of the CEO's who really do care about those in their employ -- those whose hard labors have earned them their position, benefits and pay -- shine bright and brilliant in this darkening world and light the right path for the others who need to look up from the bottom line to see what is right and wrong. For if this world continues to support those who only look to the bottom line and self-serving goals (individual or selective group), then this world is already lost. :(

May the hearts and the acts of the noble shine bright.
Not the bottom line in their sight.
Pray.

- ESA

Smiles - Seen and Unseen

I often tweet or retweet these little messages on Twitter about sharing a smile. Many still do not realize the power that can be found in a smile.

• It can pick you up.
• It can say "I care."
• It can say "I'm here for you."
• It can say "I'm listening."
• It can make you smile in return - even laugh.

A smile costs the giver nothing but a thought and a touch from the heart.

We've all seen those smiles that are just upturns of the corners of the mouth but never touches the eyes. A genuine sincere smile sets the eyes sparkling with the warmth of love and friendship.

And then there are the unseen smiles..... These are the times when someone reaches out to us and touches our hearts in a way that causes us to smile from the warmth and love in that touch. We do not see the smile. Sometimes it's an email or a phone call. Or just words on the screen over the internet. But we respond to that with a smile of our own and somehow know they smile too.

I had such a moment this morning. I was a bit down from a restless night of bad dreams and the rain that rolled through the area this morning. I was going to dive into my workload today - disheartened - and then I thought to check my @ messages on Twitter one last time....

That's when I saw this: "how u doing today my good friend" and a beautiful smile lit up my face.

The day is actually getting brighter outside too as the rain moves off. But more, my dark mood is dispersing with the clouds beause these little words touched my heart and told me that I'm not alone, that someone out there is not only a friend, but is thinking of me at that moment. That friend cared enough to send me a quick note.

He didn't even realize that I was in a bad mood. But just thought to take the time and say "hi." What a world of difference it made. When was the last time I took a moment and say "hi" to someone like that? One never knows just how much that little "smile" may effect somebody's day today.

Share that special touch of love and friendship.
Share that smile.
Today.

-ESA

Missed Blessing

There is this family that my husband and I befriended when they lived in our apartment complex. We would have dinner at each others homes and share many memorable BBQ's outside. We were the test subjects the summer when the wife and kids went back to visit family in India and the husband decided to learn to cook.

My husband tutored their kids. The wife and I would go out for walks or would sit on cold days and drink tea while we chatted. She even dragged my butt to yoga class gratis to see if I would like it. Her husband and mine were good friends too.

They moved from New England to Arizona four years ago. Since then we've traded holiday greetings and the occasional phone call, but it wasn't the same as seeing them practically every day.

Today they swung by the apartment complex unannounced while I was at the office. My husband was home and tried a few times to reach me by phone. The first time, I was out for a walk on a lunch break. The moment I got back to the office, I headed right into a meeting, not checking my voicemail. Then I was on a conference call. By the time I checked my messages they had come and gone.

I had missed them. :(

How many times do we miss opportunities because we're so caught up in our daily lives? How many times do we loose the chance to see those that mean so much? If I had taken one minute to check my voicemail, I would have had the chance to see my friends I haven't seen in four years.

Watch for missed blessings; they come in many forms.
They happen anytime.
Unannounced.

ESA

New Start

I know I haven't written in a while. I could come up with dozens of reasons to type here, but I should simply say, I have not. As I try to re-start my daily blog, I hope once I get the first blog down the words will flow as readily as they did before.

This weekend I've come to realize something as I took some time to ponder things. The more I got the thanks, kudos, atta-girls, retweets, compliments and flattery on Twitter, the more I assumed it was all me - my work. If people wanted help with something or asked for an ear to listen, it was ME. That can inflate one's ego quite rapidly and give a girl a swelled head.

The more I believed it was me tweeting great things, getting followers on Twitter, helping others online and off, the more I puffed up my own ego as well. It was also when my ability to write my blog and stories, as well as say and do just the right things, rapidly declined.

The effectiveness of my words and actions deflated as rapidly as a ruptured balloon. Why? Because by relying on myself, I denied God's part in the whole thing. God was the One who gave me the words to say when I needed them, gave me the time/place/opportunity to be there for friends who needed an ear or a hand with something, gave me the ideas or skills I needed to do what was required of me. When I assumed I could do it all on my own, I started to drop the whole mess like a waitress on roller blades hitting a patch of grease and dropping a full table's worth of service - broken dishes et al.

That was pretty stupid.

How can I forgot? Why didn't I notice when my blogs became less frequent and then stopped altogether? Why didn't I notice when I haven't written a new story in months? Or even when my effectiveness to help others become significantly less, ending in more frustrations. :(

Sadly, I used excuses: I'm too busy at work; I'm too busy on Twitter; I'm too busy helping others... That last one was really pathetic, as the main drive behind helping others was fading day-by-day replaced by one heck of an ego trip. And that was wrong. :( But sadly, that was the one excuse I'd use so often, even telling myself that.

As I've seen in various quotes up and down Twitter, it's never too late to turn things around as long as there is breath in me. Each new day CAN be a new start. That's what I'm trying to do right now, a new start with this blog post. Sadly, it took me three days to actually sit down and type this.

But a visit to church today helped me find the strength I needed. Not my strength, the strength from God as He helps me work my way back to where I was a few months ago, letting Him inspire my words and works -- in a unison that is beyond words. Interestingly enough, nearby church-bells started to play this wonderful melody as I started this paragraph. Not chiming the hour (it's 6:30 pm) but actual melodies (it's on the second one now).

Shall I call this coincidence or let it touch my heart? I think I'll let it inspire me, moreso as I haven't heard any of the local church-bells do this before. I listen to the sounds peal under the clear sky as I struggle to let go of my overinflated ego.

Reaching with outstretched hand....
To the One that guides...
And Loves.

- ESA